Gender Confusion and More

I’ve talked some before about confusion regarding my gender, but God became very clear with me about my God-given gender, that He created me as a male, a man. But during that former gender confusion, I also had confusion about my sexuality. I vacillated back and forth between two ideas … two pictures of myself.

On the one hand, if I went through with SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) and the hormonal treatments, I would look like a woman … just what I wanted … but then I should naturally be paired up with a man as a mate. Right? Ugh! No! I hated men. I hated the male physique. Yet, even so, I pushed myself into men’s arms in my dreams. But this was a huge dilemma … in God’s eyes I would then be committing the sin of homosexuality, because in His sight I was still a man, even though I had had the surgery.

On the other hand, if I was a post-op transgender, then I would want to be with a woman. I would think of myself as a lesbian. But then, in God’s sight, I was committing adultery or fornication, because I was a man sleeping with a woman. Granted, my male productive organs would be gone, but at the core of my being I was still a man. Surgery wouldn’t change anything.

Crazy right? Really confusing. This is maybe a good time to talk about three states that dwell inside of you. All humans do this, to one degree or another. Denial … Confusion … Pain. We compartmentalize things. I think we all know what it is to be in denial about something. Let me tell you … I was in huge denial about myself … I blocked out huge chunks of my life, because some really bad things happened to me. Besides being in denial, I was in a lot of confusion, about my gender, about my sexuality, about my past. Confusion was where I went in my dreams, my fantasies, my cross-dressing, my trips to the Internet and strip clubs. But pain … oh, I did not go there … I could not go there. There was huge pain that was hidden under my denial and my confusion. What was I to do?

I had pain … mountains of it. The only way I could go near that pain was with Jesus at my side. I desperately needed Him to help me face it … to find healing. This was where journaling to Him helped immensely. I wrote my own psalms … not inspired like God’s Holy Word … but I poured out my heart and soul to Jesus … Oh, I praised/thanked Him as He gradually brought real healing to all three states.