When I was a child there were books that had games and puzzles in them. One of my favorite puzzles was making pictures from a series of numbered dots. If one took a pencil and drew lines from one, then two, then three, and so on, the series of lines formed a picture that one could recognize.
There is a reason, or reasons, that you are struggling with the issue of transgenderism. I could tell you the reasons for which I groped for so long, the answers for which I searched. However, it is not my place to tell you. It could prove harmful to give you those reasons if God does not yet have all the truth and helpful people in place around you. And my reasons may not be your reasons.
I encourage you to ask your Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to show you what are your reasons for pursuing the transgender lifestyle so intently. Why do you want to be a woman, when God created you to be a man? Why do you want to be a man when God created you to be a woman? The true cause(s) will surprise you when God reveals the dots and you connect them. Your reason for wanting to be a woman may have come “in utero” or after birth. For many years I believed that I was a woman trapped inside a man’s body. I was totally relying on my feelings and emotions … but I wasn’t in possession of all the facts. It proved to be a lie foisted upon me by the enemy and the world (see “The Big Lie”).
The truth is that God made a good and right decision when He determined the gender that you should be. The first chapter of Genesis records God’s creative work: “So God created man in His own image: in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” God’s wise and creative work was not finished with Adam and Eve … He went on to specially create each and everymember of the human race. The psalmist David said of his Creator, “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” Psalm 139:13-16
Try to get God’s way of thinking into your mind and heart … you are who you are.