Going to sleep each night was one of the most vulnerable times for me. It was primarily the time that I was tempted to fantasize about myself being a woman. I was alone with my thoughts, and it was where I would naturally turn to feel safe and secure as I went to sleep.
Yet, I was divided … there was a longing, a yearning, a deep desire to talk to God (see the page “Prayer”). I seemed to have a recollection of my childhood, wanting to know that God was near, not far away. But trying to reconnect with that youthful remembrance was very elusive, like I could not get there.
I wanted to talk to my Heavenly Father before I fell asleep. I wanted to tell Him about all my troubles, my stress, my fears, the things that scared me, even terrified me. Why would I so quickly give up on my child-like faith that He was my safety and security. Why would I so easily turn to my fantasies as a way of escape from reality? Why did I choose transgenderism over a relationship with my God? It didn’t make any sense. My eternal relationship with Almighty God was far more important than my transitory struggles with my gender.
There is an interesting story in the book of 1 Samuel. It is about the little boy Samuel. This was before the time that Israel started to have kings, like King Saul, King David, and King Solomon. It says in 1 Samuel 3, “Now the boy Samuel ministered to the LORD before Eli.” Eli was a priest of the LORD, but the LORD was not pleased with Eli, because he was not correcting and restraining his sons, who were also priests, from doing evil and wickedness.
It was “… while Samuel was lying down, that the LORD called Samuel, and he answered, “Here I am!” But he was confused … he thought Eli was calling him. He went to Eli three times as the LORD called to him, and Eli finally perceived that the LORD was talking to the boy. Eli told Samuel, when He calls to you, say, “Speak, LORD, for your servant hears.” Samuel and God talked.
When we go to bed at night is an excellent time for us to commune with God. Psalm 4 says, “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 63 says, “When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches.” Let us leave our fantasies and cling to God alone. He alone can keep us safe and secure.