Sometimes, God provides us with opportunities—are you paying attention to yours?
It all seemed to start when I was 13 years old. That wasn’t really the beginning of my story, as I would later find out. There was a television show … stupid show now that I look back on it … a young woman, scantly clad, was interacting with the main character, and, when she started speaking, her voice was the voice of a man. Dubbing in a man’s voice, the impression was given that there was a man inside of the girl. What a strange thought … but I was hooked by the bait that the producer and Satan had dangled in front of me.
It really clicked with me, and I began to fantasize that I was in the body of a girl. It wasn’t long before I was cross-dressing in my sister’s and my mother’s garments. I would stand in front of the mirror, mesmerized by the vision that I saw. Yet there was too much of me still visible. I wanted to disappear completely and be taken over by the girl.
I was very confused … why was I doing this? It really scared me … but I lived alone with it for years … I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I would dress, then feel guilty and ask God’s forgiveness, but it would not be long before I was dressing again. I went through the cycle of dressing and begging forgiveness countless times.
Then, when I was cross-dressing one day, my mother showed up unexpectedly. She caught me in her clothes. I was horrified … terrified … petrified. I begged her not to tell my father. She agreed, but a week later she came upstairs and told me that she just couldn’t keep it a secret … she was worried about me … she had told my dad, and he was waiting for me downstairs. I went into the kitchen and stood in front of him … he was shaving … he asked me if there was anything to this … and I told him a bold-faced lie. I said that I had just been horsing around, goofing off, having fun.
Maybe I missed an opportunity … the chance to come clean and say that I was confused and scared by my behavior. Would I have gotten the help that I sorely needed? Might my parents have steered me the right way? I believe, knowing what I know now about the causes of my inclination towards gender-bending, that God providentially waited until I had His truth and the right people around me. When God gives you His truth and good people, don’t miss the opportunity.