It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I first saw the female idol in my heart. With the help of the enemy, I created it early in the first decade of my life. I was five years old … pretty young. It was fashioned as a composite of all the beautiful and safe women that I knew as a small child. The female image was tall and stood on the plain of my heart. It was hollow and contained thousands of niches that housed all the feminine personalities that I had met or seen in my lifetime.
Often when I tried to get close to God … I was distracted by the female idol. I turned aside and gave worship to a false image, rather than worshipping the true and living God. This was very grievous to me, but I could not seem to help it. I was entrapped by the feminine idol … engaging in cross dressing whenever I could … viewing internet pornography to strengthen the female image … fantasizing about being a girl or a woman as I went to sleep … dreaming of having Sex Reassignment Surgery and voice and deportment training … always trying to comfort and console myself with what seemed safe.
But Jesus wanted me to come to Him for safety and security … He knew that the female idol was hurting me … keeping me from a beautiful and glorious close relationship with the true and living God … my awesome and holy Creator.
Once I realized that the female idol was there, I was greatly concerned. It took me a while before I started doing the right thing. I started praying that Jesus would help me to tear down the female idol. I knew that I could not do it myself. I needed His divine help. He was my faithful High Priest and fully understood why I had created that false and idolatrous image in my youth. There were reasons why I had made that idol to protect me. After several years, Jesus broke down the idol and planted a garden of remembrance there. Suddenly, I was free of my enslavement to the transsexual/transgender lifestyle … I stopped fantasizing … I stopped visiting the websites … I stopped cross-dressing … I stopped abusing myself with masturbation … I stopped wishing for Sex Reassignment Surgery and hormonal treatment … I finally could thank God for the way He had made me. I could look in the mirror and smile at the person I saw. It was wonderful to be free of the idolatrous image that shackled me to a future that scared me to death.