The Evil Day

Have you struggled with the Evil Day?

The last several days have just been awful … so steeped in my own shame, my own sin, my own failings, the lies and the emotions seem too deep to extricate myself … “why can’t I do anything right??!!” … “why did I have to hurt someone that I love so much … one of my own children??!!” … I call upon the Lord … I ask Him to forgive me.  I seek forgiveness from my child … very clear about how I sinned.  It is with great difficulty that I can get to the point of forgiving myself.  I ask God to rebuke the enemy who attacks relentlessly … I shed many tears … I feel so full of despair … so much fear, anger, shame, heartache, loneliness, inexplicable feelings … days like this seem to happen with some regularity … and there isn’t always a reason that I can point to for the darkness that descends upon me … such days just are a part of my life.

There is in the Scriptures what is called “the evil day”.  “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” Ephesians 6:13  This particular phrase, “the evil day”, occurs only once in the Bible.  But Scripture helps to interpret Scripture.  “The sum of Your word is truth …” Psalm 119:160  You do not have to wallow in despair and misery … do not agree with the enemy’s assessment of you (God doesn’t … compare Job 1, Zechariah 3 and Revelation 12:1-12 … v.8 God does not give Satan a place … neither should you … Jesus has ascended to the throne) … do not beat yourself up … and do yourself no harm … read the following Scriptures carefully.

I do not think that “the evil day” refers to just one day in the life of the believer, but to “the day of trouble” which David mentions more than once … so it must have been recurring attacks by the evil one.  In a psalm of David we read, “May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble; may the name of the God of Jacob defend you.” Psalm 20:1 (NKJV)  In His name we find refuge (Psalm 18:10)  “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” This is our purpose in life, to glorify God and enjoy Him forever (the Westminster Confession).

More verses about “the day of trouble” … Psalm 50:15  “But I will sing of Your power; yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning; for You have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.” Psalm 59:16  God wants us to praise Him, even when we are hurting … and sometimes terribly.  “In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted.” Psalm 77:2  Yeah, sometimes it seems like we will never be consoled.   Again, “In the day of my trouble I will call upon You, for You will answer me.” Psalm 86:7  God will answer.  And yet again, “Do not hide Your face from me in the day of my trouble; incline Your ear to me; in the day that I call, answer me speedily.” Psalm 102:2  God is not far away, and hears our prayers in Christ Jesus.

There is one other phrase … “evil time” … “They shall not be ashamed in the evil time, and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.” Psalm 37:19  “Therefore the prudent keep silent at that time, for it is an evil time.” Amos 5:13  And this is the key … “keep silent” … let God speak His peace and His comfort to you … “Be angry, and do not sin.  Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Selah (meaning, pause and think about this)” Psalm 4:4  “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10  “Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.” Psalm 131:2  Be calm … quiet your soul …  “Keep silent”, “be still”.

This is the whole key to getting through, even beyond, “the evil day”, “the day of trouble”, “the evil time”.  Jesus said, “My sheep hear My voice …” John 10:27  Listen for His voice of truth spoken in love … listen for “a still small voice” 1 Kings 19:12  God did not speak to severely depressed Elijah in the wind or the earthquake or the fire … but in “a still small voice.”  Like the young boy, Samuel, say, “Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears.” 1 Samuel 3:9, 10  “Oh, that My people would listen to Me …” Psalm 81:13  

Just a few verses that my heavenly Father has spoken to me, to get me through “the evil day” … “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1    “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7  “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear …” 1 John 4:18  “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9  “For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” Philippians 2:13  And my favorite … if you want to look it up … Matthew 11:28-30 … Jesus is so gentle … “Your gentleness has made me great.” Psalm 18:35 

It will seem at times that the enemy’s lies are too much for you … “… they surrounded me like bees.” Psalm 118:12  The feelings, emotions will seem overwhelming … “I am weary with my groaning; all night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.” Psalm 6:6  But put on the whole armor of God and stand firm in the truth (Ephesians 6)  Above all … “keep silent” … “be still” … listen for His voice … even “a still small voice.”  Say, “Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears.”  “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly …” Colossians 3:16 and you will hear His voice.

And just one last thought … “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.” 1 John 3:20  Listen to God’s assessment of you … not your own.

Review of Key Ideas for Transgender Struggles

Here are some of the key thoughts to dealing with the sin of effeminacy and transgender temptations. They are not in order of importance, but are all given to you in love.

  1. Do not harm yourself … there is hope … your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit … you are not your own … Jesus bought you with His precious blood.
  2. God created you in your God-given gender … you will always be your birth gender, even if you change your appearance … you cannot change your chromosomes … there are many SRS reversal surgeries taking place … start thanking God for how He wisely chose to create you.
  3. Ask Jesus to show you the reason(s) your gender identity is confused … ask Him to heal any broken-heartedness.
  4. Ask Jesus to show you if there is a feminine idol in your heart, and, if so, ask Jesus to help you destroy it.
  5. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you know what to repent of … coveting, idolatry, stealing, adultery (sexual immorality), etc. (Exodus 20, Deuteronomy 5) … cross-dressing (Deuteronomy 22:5) … emasculation (Deuteronomy 23:1) … effeminacy (1 Corinthians 6:9 NASB)
  6. Stay clear of the places that cause you trouble … go around … use available software like “Covenant Eyes” to stay away from problem websites.
  7. Have an accountability partner who will help you to make right decisions and hold you accountable … ask you how you’re doing.
  8. Ask God to break any unhealthy soul ties … any ancestral iniquities.
  9. Begin reading God’s word every day … try reading “Daily Light” … get God’s word into your mind … it matches what He’s written on your heart.
  10. Be in a Bible believing church … preferably “reformed” … you are not to walk alone … seek out wise and compassionate “saints” to walk with you.
  11. Choose a good and wise counselor … one who will help you with “renewing your mind” (Romans 12:1-2) with God’s word and pray for you.
  12. Make Jesus Christ your Lord, your best friend … obey Him.
  13. It is all of grace … put on “God’s Armor” … stand firm … speak truth.
  14. Pray to your Heavenly Father (see the post “Prayer”) in Jesus’ name.
  15. Take every thought captive in obedience to Christ (2 Cor. 10:3-5).
  16. You’re a “saint”, a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17) … your spirit is willing.
  17. You have a new identity “in Him” (Ephesians) … you are not a TG.

Tax Collectors & Harlots

Jesus has compassion on the sinners.

In Matthew 21, Jesus confronts “the chief priests and the elders of the people”, the religious leaders, who claimed to be superior to the common people, more religious and devout. But Jesus told them, “Assuredly, I say to you that tax collectors and harlots enter the kingdom of God before you. For John [the Baptist] came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him; but tax collectors and harlots believed him; and when you saw it, you did not afterward relent and believe him.”

The religious leaders of Jesus’ day looked down upon “tax collectors and harlots” and despised them … thought that they were despicable low-life. They did not understand how sinful and depraved they themselves were … they eventually asked Pilate to crucify Jesus. But Jesus rejects no one who comes to Him for salvation … no matter what kind of sin they have committed.

In Luke 7, Jesus goes to the house of a Pharisee (a religious leader) to eat a meal with him. While they are eating, a woman, “a sinner”, came and began to weep at Jesus’ feet, washing His feet with her tears and hair, and anointing His feet with fragrant oil. When the Pharisee, who had invited Jesus, saw this, he reasoned that if Jesus were a prophet He would know that this woman was “a sinner”. I encourage you to read this account and see what Jesus’ assessment of the Pharisee and the woman was. It is a remarkable story of Jesus’ love and forgiveness for repentant people (“Repentance vs. Practicing Sin”).

In John 8, the scribes and the Pharisees bring “a woman caught in adultery” to Jesus. Please take time to read this account, for it will show you Jesus’ compassion for the woman. He does not excuse her sin, but He does not condemn her.

In Luke 18, Jesus tells a parable about a Pharisee and a tax collector, who both go to the temple to pray. The Pharisee is self-righteous and boasts about his good deeds before God, even putting the tax collector down. However, the tax collector humbles himself in God’s sight and asks for God’s mercy.

“But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty … the things which are despised …” 1 Corinthians 1:27-28

The Hymn of St Patrick

The Hymn of St. Patrick, translated from the Old Irish text.

Click here to read about Saint Patrick’s life. He was taken captive as a youth, and enslaved … in this way he came to know God, the Triune God.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.
I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.
I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.
I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.
I bind to myself today
God’s Power to guide me,
God’s Might to uphold me,
God’s Wisdom to teach me,
God’s Eye to watch over me,
God’s Ear to hear me,
God’s Word to give me speech,
God’s Hand to guide me,
God’s Way to lie before me,
God’s Shield to shelter me,
God’s Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.
I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of wizards, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.
Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

Saint Patrick, 372-466 AD


Putting Off / Putting On

Transgenders: Putting off the old man, and putting on the new.

For those of us with transgender struggles, we understand the concept of putting off one set of clothes and putting on another set. It’s something that seems to come naturally to us. The Apostle Paul uses the same kind of language when he talks about our need to shed the old and put on the new.

In Ephesians 4, Paul says, “if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind …” So, as Christians, disciples of Jesus, we are to “put off … the old man”. Who is “the old man”?

We need to go to Romans 6, where Paul says, “For if we have been united together in the likeness of His (Christ’s) death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.” The “old man” is our old sin nature, which is described in Jeremiah 17: “The sin of Judah is written with a pen of iron; with the point of a diamond it is engraved on the tablet of their heart.” But, when God took away our heart of stone (see Ezekiel 36:25-27), He gave us a heart of flesh, on which He says He has written His law (Jeremiah 31:33).

If we are supposed to “put off … the old man”, then what are we to “put on”? The Apostle Paul tells us, “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” Romans 13:14

We need God to help us in this. As part of my morning prayer, I say out loud, “LORD God, I put off the old man, and I put on the Lord Jesus Christ.” This is an act of the willing spirit within me, that I make in faith upon God’s grace at work in me. I also put on “the whole armor of God” (see the page “God’s Armor”). This is not something magical, but an act of faith and obedience.

“The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore, let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.” Romans 13:12

“I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness …” Isaiah 61:10

The Names of God

Why would the names of God be important to us? Well, God progressively reveals His character, His attributes, His glory, and much more, as we proceed from the first page of Genesis to the last page of Revelation. He shows us how He lovingly and kindly deals with His people, His chosen ones, His saints.

One of my favorite names of Jesus is “Emmanuel”, or “Immanuel”. It means, “God with us” (Matthew 1:23). The name “Jesus” means, “He will save His people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21). In Jeremiah 23, Jesus is prophetically called, “THE LORD OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS”. What wonderful names! We are made righteous in God’s sight by Jesus.

Some of the names of God in the Old Testament are “Jehovah” or “LORD”:
  1. Jehovah-Ropheka: “Jehovah who heals you”, Exodus 15:26 (Moses)
  2. Jehovah-Meqaddeshkem: “Jehovah who sanctifies you”, Ex. 31:13 (Moses)
  3. Jehovah-Tsabaoth: “the LORD of hosts”, 1 Sam. 1:3 (Elkanah/Hannah)
  4. Jehovah-Elyon: “the LORD Most High”, Psalm 7:17 (King David)
  5. Jehovah-Roi: “the LORD [is] my Shepherd”, Psalm 23:1 (King David)
  6. Jehovah-Jireh: “Jehovah will provide”, Genesis 22:14 (Abraham)
  7. Jehovah-Nissi: “Jehovah is my banner”, Exodus 17:15 (Moses)
  8. Jehovah-Shalom: “Jehovah is peace”, Judges 6:24 (Gideon)
  9. Jehovah-Shammah: “Jehovah is there”, Ezekiel 48:35 (heavenly city)
  10. Jehovah-Tsidkenu: “Jehovah is our righteousness”, Jeremiah 23:6

When Moses takes his flock of sheep to the backside of the desert, he comes to Horeb, the mountain of God. There he sees a burning bush that is not consumed. There are three names given for God in Exodus 3. The first is “the Angel of the LORD” who is the Pre-Incarnate Jesus. He identifies Himself as “the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” Later, Moses asks Him by what name he should address the children of Israel. The Pre-Incarnate Christ tells him, “I AM WHO I AM.” In John 8, Jesus tells the Jews, “Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM.” They take up stones to kill Him, because they know that He has called Himself God.

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10

Learn the names of God and call upon Him to help you.


It has been years ago, but I distinctly remember one of my elders at church stressing the importance of balance in the Christian life. When I was deep in my sin of effeminacy, I was completely out of balance … I was unstable. This is because I was doubting, not walking by faith. James 1 is clear on this, “… for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” This is “the error of Balaam” as described by Jude. His story is told in the book of Numbers, chapters 22-24. Basically, Balaam tried to have one foot in the world and the other foot in the kingdom of God. 1 John 2 says, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” God eventually took the life of Balaam … he died violently by the sword in battle.

One of the most powerful verses in my life, with respect to balance, is found in Psalm 119:160, “The sum of Your word is truth, and every one of Your righteous ordinances is everlasting.” (NASB). In order to have balance in the Christian life, you have to take into account all that God says, both in the Old Testament and the New Testament. It all fits together to make a unified, total and balanced picture of God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, the kingdom of God, walking by faith, the saints … so many subjects for balance in the Christian life. That is why I have so many different pages and topics.

Part of having balance is understanding what King Solomon is saying in Ecclesiastes 3 … “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven …” He goes on to list times that occur in our life, like, “A time to be born, and a time to die.” The Apostle Paul spoke of this in Philippians 4, “Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” His next statement is key to having balance: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” That even means leaving the transgender lifestyle behind and following Christ wherever He leads you. For me it means speaking the truth to myself and to you in love.

“The entirety of Your word is truth …” Ps. 119:160

The Sin of Pride

James, the half brother of Jesus, says in James 4, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Pride was the sin that Satan was guilty of when he rebelled against God and took a third of the angels with him. He wanted to be like God. Isaiah the prophet says in Isaiah 14, “How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning … for you have said in your heart: ‘I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God … I will ascend above the heights of the clouds, I will be like the Most High.’ ”

In my determination to be transgender, I was guilty of the sin of pride. I thought that I knew better than God … thought I knew what gender I should have been … thought I was wiser than God. I was so proud of my ability and skill to transform myself into an image of a woman. We can be so arrogant and haughty in our ability to “pass” as a female. I was also so proud of my knack for “reading” other transgenders. I have repented and turned from these attitudes of superiority (see the page “Repentance vs. Practicing Sin”).

The book of Proverbs speaks a great deal about the sin of pride. In Proverbs 8, God speaks through Solomon, “I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge and discretion. The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverse mouth I hate.” Proverbs 11 says, “When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom. The integrity of the upright will guide them, but the perversity of the unfaithful will destroy them.” Please note here that there are two kinds of people being talked about … the “upright” or those who are righteous through Christ Jesus … and the “unfaithful” who are unbelievers. If you are “upright” you will have integrity in the new heart that Jesus gave you, and you will turn or repent of the sin of pride … because you see how awful it is in God’s sight.

The sin of pride extends so much further than our thoughts, actions and attitudes relative to the transgender lifestyle that our weak flesh is attracted to. It creeps into every area of our life that we are withholding from God … saying in effect, “I know better than You, God, what to do with my life.”

Read all of Psalm 131 and meditate on it. It is very short, but powerful. It starts, “LORD, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty …” Pray for this.

Altogether Lovely

Wow! Last night I went back and re-read the first chapter of a book called, Altogether Lovely … and I found that God had helped me pick the same verses for this page that the author used in his first chapter … God is truly awesome! The book is about the loveliness of the Lord Jesus Christ, how wonderful and truly awesome He is … He is a faithful High Priest for us to bring us near to God the Father … He is a truthful Prophet clearly declaring God’s word … He is a majestic King ruling His Father’s kingdom … He is a mighty Warrior vanquishing all His evil foes. He is the great “I AM” who spoke with Moses in the burning bush … He is the Almighty God who took on flesh to become our Savior.

The psalmist, King David, says in Psalm 27, “One thing I have desired of the LORD, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple.”

In Psalm 16, David says, “O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; yes, I have a good inheritance … You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Heaven will be a wonderful place, because Jesus and His Father are there.

Asaph says in Psalm 73, “Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever … it is good for me to draw near to God …”

“My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King … You are fairer than the sons of men; grace is poured upon Your lips; therefore God has blessed You forever.” Psalm 45:1-2 “O God, You are my God; early will I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory.” Psalm 63:1-2 “How lovely is Your tabernacle, O LORD of hosts! My soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh cry out for the living God.” Ps. 84

Altogether Lovely, Jonathan Edwards, Soli Deo Gloria Publications, 1997.


Are you focused on your works, or God’s grace?

On the page “Reading the Bible”, I talked about growing up in an environment that preached a works-based salvation … it was all about performance … reaching standards of excellence to look good in God’s eyes and the sight of people. This is just what Jesus confronted the Pharisees, chief priests, elders and religious leaders of His day about … hypocrisy and traditions of men.

Besides true Christianity, the religions of the world try to gain access to and approval of their god by doing good work, performing a certain way. But, God is very clear, as the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 64, “But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags …” Only Jesus was pure and righteous … only He could take away our sins, as the sin bearer, and give us salvation and eternal life.

The following verse comes from the Old Testament book written by the prophet Zechariah during the time of building the second temple. “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ Says the LORD of hosts.  ‘Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain! And he shall bring forth the capstone With shouts of “Grace, grace to it!” ’ ” Zechariah 4:6-7

God’s Grace

This is what we need … shouts of “Grace, Grace!” Look back at the page “The Five Solas”, and see Sola Gratia, by grace alone. We don’t work for our salvation … it is all by grace … because we fall, we sin, we cross-dress, dream of being a woman, have SRS surgery, and on and on. Jesus, the perfect Lamb of God has atoned for all our sin.

Good works have their place after we are saved, after we have a new heart and the Holy Spirit is dwelling in us. We do “good things” or “good works”, not to be saved, but because we love God and we love the hurting people around us. Rest in what Jesus has done for you … stop trying to gain God’s approval.

“But He gives more grace. Therefore, He says: “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” ” James 4:6 “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” ” 2 Cor. 12:9

If you need to, shout, “Grace, Grace!” to yourself. Everything is okay.

Daily Light Devotional

Daily Light is a small devotional book that I use each morning. It is for my “quiet time” or my time alone with God. What I like about Daily Light is that it has two readings on one page for each day of the year … one reading for the morning … one reading for the evening. The other thing I really appreciate is that each reading is totally made up of Scripture verses, all on a particular theme. The verse references are listed below the reading, just in case you want to look it up in your Bible. And get this … no verse is repeated through the course of the year! It is fantastic!

I read both the morning and the evening entries in the morning, and I sometimes read them even twice or three times to make sure that I have the thoughts firmly planted in my mind for the day. My wife and I have evening devotions together each night, reading from a different book … currently one on the prayers of the Bible.

I’m just going to show you a reading for one morning as an example, so you get a flavor for what it is like.

But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind, … I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

“Father, I desire that they … whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me.” – I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. – He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. – Let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus.

Phil. 3:13, 14. John 17:24. 2 Tim. 1:12. Phil. 1:6. 1 Cor. 9:24, 25. Heb. 12:1, 2.
The only thing that I don’t care for is that the pronouns for God and Jesus are not capitalized.

Daily Light On the Daily Path, Crossway Books, 2002.

Reading the Bible

Reading the Bible proved to be a real challenge for me. I won’t go into detail, but early in my life, the Bible was used against me. I would even go so far as to call it spiritual abuse. You may have had experiences of people, even Christians, using Scripture to condemn you. Paul, in Romans 8, says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”

Even though I was brought up under strict discipline and performance-based thinking (works salvation), God used the Bible to speak “grace” to me. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God …” Ephesians 2:8 (see the page “Grace”).

If you don’t have a Bible, I strongly encourage you to get one and start reading in Genesis and the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

We need to be in the Bible, reading it (Luke 4:16), memorizing it (Psalm 119:11), meditating on it (Psalm 1), studying it (2 Timothy 2:15), and hearing it as it is preached from the pulpit during Sunday morning and evening worship services. For good Bible translations, see the “Preface”, item 2.

To study the benefits of reading God’s word, take a close look at Psalm 119. It is a long chapter (176 verses), but it is well worth the effort to help yourself understand why the Bible is so important for you to get a grasp on.

I’m just going to quote two verses from Psalm 119 … “The entirety of Your word is truth, and every one of Your righteous judgments endures forever.” Psalm 119:160 We need God’s truth about Him, about Jesus, about the Holy Spirit … and we need God’s truth about us, our sin, forgiveness, who we are “in Christ”. And note, God’s word lasts forever … it will never change. “I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, for I do not forget Your commandments.” Psalm 119:176

Free PDF: Profiting From the Word, A.W. Pink, The Banner of Truth Trust, 2011.

Money Issues

Struggling with the issue of transgenderism, I really misused money. I broke the eighth commandment, “You shall not steal.” Every time that I went to stores to buy clothes, makeup, wigs, shoes, jewelry, etc., I was stealing from God. It wasn’t my money to spend as I chose … but, rather His money that He had entrusted to my care. I was to be a good steward of all that He had given me to use for His glory and honor … not on my fleshly lusts.

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” 1 Timothy 6:10

I loved money for what it could get me that would take away my pain, comfort me, calm me down … it was an idol, so I was breaking the first and second commandment as well. If I had had enough money, I might have yielded to the temptation to actively pursue SRS and hormonal treatments. Thankfully, God did not give me that much money, and He also surrounded me with wife, children, and friends that I could not bring myself to betray.

In the gospels, Jesus has much to say about money and stewardship. Proverbs is another book that speaks to financial matters. Following are some basic thoughts about the use of money. More information can be found on-line.

1) We should regularly tithe to the Lord from our income. Some see this as ten percent, some even twenty percent. My wife and I have committed ourselves to giving ten percent. Jacob, in Genesis 28, says to the Lord, “And this stone which I have set as a pillar shall be God’s house, and of all that You give me I will surely give a tenth to You.” Study tithes and offerings.

2) Jesus, in Matthew 6, says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Here is a promise that if we put God first in our lives, He will provide everything that we need. We are to use money for God’s honor and glory.

3) I highly recommend developing a budget to guide you in your monthly expenditures and stay within your means. Putting some into savings is recommended. If you need to, cut up your credit cards.

4) Getting out of debt is important. My wife and I are almost out of debt.


As I mentioned in the page “Going to Sleep”, I remember my trying to pray to God as a child. At the age of eight, I asked Jesus to come into my heart and He did. Shortly after that, I remember praying a prayer for my sister, which my parents said was impossible, but God answered it that very day.

On one occasion, Jesus was praying to His Heavenly Father, and when He finished, His disciples said, “Lord, teach us to pray …” The prayer that He taught them is commonly referred to as the Lord’s Prayer. It is found in Matthew 6 and Luke 11. This simple prayer contains much of what should be in any prayer that we pray to our Heavenly Father … honor, praise, prayer for His will to be done, prayer for daily needs, asking forgiveness, prayer for protection from Satan and his schemes … I commend this prayer to your study.

A simple way to remember the basic components of prayer is the acronym ACTS.

“A” stands for Adoration … giving praise, glory and honor to the Almighty God who made heaven and earth. Remembering who God is, and what He is like, is extremely helpful in getting our hearts and minds in a right attitude to approach His heavenly throne room.

“C” stands for Confession … we need to keep short accounts with God … when His Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, we need to quickly seek His forgiveness. Psalm 51 is a prayer of David, which he prayed after his sin with Bathsheba, and serves as a good example for us.

“T” stands for Thanksgiving … there is so much that we can be grateful to God for. We need to express that gratitude regularly … for our very breath, for food, for clothing, for a roof over our heads, for forgiveness, for friends, etc.

“S” stands for Supplication … these are for daily needs, for family, for friends, even for our enemies, for ourselves … God cares about the big things and the little things.

I encourage you to try praying through the Psalms. I did this for years with a good friend and it was so beneficial, helpful, encouraging. God’s word has so much more to say about prayer. Go to and enter “pray”.

Going to Sleep

Going to sleep each night was one of the most vulnerable times for me. It was primarily the time that I was tempted to fantasize about myself being a woman. I was alone with my thoughts, and it was where I would naturally turn to feel safe and secure as I went to sleep.

Yet, I was divided … there was a longing, a yearning, a deep desire to talk to God (see the page “Prayer”). I seemed to have a recollection of my childhood, wanting to know that God was near, not far away. But trying to reconnect with that youthful remembrance was very elusive, like I could not get there.

I wanted to talk to my Heavenly Father before I fell asleep. I wanted to tell Him about all my troubles, my stress, my fears, the things that scared me, even terrified me. Why would I so quickly give up on my child-like faith that He was my safety and security. Why would I so easily turn to my fantasies as a way of escape from reality? Why did I choose transgenderism over a relationship with my God? It didn’t make any sense. My eternal relationship with Almighty God was far more important than my transitory struggles with my gender.

There is an interesting story in the book of 1 Samuel. It is about the little boy Samuel. This was before the time that Israel started to have kings, like King Saul, King David, and King Solomon. It says in 1 Samuel 3, “Now the boy Samuel ministered to the LORD before Eli.” Eli was a priest of the LORD, but the LORD was not pleased with Eli, because he was not correcting and restraining his sons, who were also priests, from doing evil and wickedness.

It was “… while Samuel was lying down, that the LORD called Samuel, and he answered, “Here I am!” But he was confused … he thought Eli was calling him. He went to Eli three times as the LORD called to him, and Eli finally perceived that the LORD was talking to the boy. Eli told Samuel, when He calls to you, say, “Speak, LORD, for your servant hears.” Samuel and God talked.

When we go to bed at night is an excellent time for us to commune with God. Psalm 4 says, “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 63 says, “When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches.” Let us leave our fantasies and cling to God alone. He alone can keep us safe and secure.

Selecting a Counselor

Psalm 119:24 says, “Your testimonies also are my delight and my counselors.” So, the Holy Scriptures are our counselors. Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” And godly men are to be our counselors. In Isaiah 9:6, Jesus is called “Counselor” with a capital “C”. Jesus is to be our Chief Counselor.

How does one go about selecting a counselor to deal with issues of transgenderism or effeminacy? Well, I spent some time with my pastoral counselor and here is a short list of the qualities we agreed are essential. Ask Jesus to guide and direct you to the right man (or woman if FTM TG).

1) Your counselor should be a “born-again” Christian, with a biblical worldview, who exhibits the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The Bible should be his guide.

2) He should understand “Identity in Christ” as taught in the book of Ephesians. He should maintain that your God-given gender, the one you were born in, is the correct gender for you. “… just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love …” Ephesians 1:4

3) Your counselor should not just have head knowledge about the Scriptures, but an experiential life in Christ, one who practices “putting off the old man” and “putting on the Lord Jesus Christ”. He should be “taking up his cross daily and following Jesus.”

4) During my sessions, I regularly hear my counselor praying for me as I am crying and pouring out my heart to Jesus. Prayer should be an integral part of his ministry. I even have a prayer partner who is one of my best friends.

5) If your counselor has an understanding of transgenderism or effeminacy, that is a nice plus, but it is not essential. He can still counsel you as to what God’s word, the Bible, has to say on the topic. The key point is that he be able to teach you, disciple you, to follow Jesus Christ. The Christian life is much more than dealing with gender identity issues, while those are key.

6) “He makes counselors walk barefoot …” Job 12:17 (NASB) A good man is sensitive to the needs, feelings, emotions, heart, mind … he can empathize.

Choosing Friends

After you read this page, you might also want to read or review “Letting Others In”. The people that we have around us is very important, especially when we’re trying to break free of transgenderism. How do we go about choosing friends?

I’m going to start off with a Scripture that knocks out a lot of people … but there is balance required … Jesus related to sinners. We are to be in the world, but not of it. Read Psalm 1, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful …” So, we are not to be influenced by: 1) the ungodly, 2) sinners, 3) the scornful. We need to recognize their ability to influence us, avoid the wrong paths, and influence them for Christ instead.

Psalm 1 goes on to say, “… but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night.” We are to be influenced by God’s Word, the Bible, the Holy Scriptures (see the page “Reading the Bible”). But, you may say, “This is not a person … what does this have to do with choosing friends?” A lot. The Bible is our best friend … it is Jesus speaking to us. In the first verses of the book of John, Jesus is referred to as “The Word”. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God … And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” Choose Jesus to be your best friend. He stands at the door of your heart and knocks (see Revelation 3:20).

We started with Psalm 1 to answer the question, “How do I best choose friends?” Well, another helpful verse is found in Psalm 16: “As for the saints who are on the earth, “They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.” ” Why are saints or true Christians so special? God gives us several good reasons: 1) they have a new heart (see Ezekiel 36:25-27) or are “born-again” (see John 1:12-13 and 3:3), 2) they have the Holy Spirit living in them (see 1 Corinthians 6:19), 3) they have God’s law in their minds and written on their hearts (see Jeremiah 31:33).

You just need to have some discernment about who among your Christian friends you choose to confide in about your struggle with transgenderism. My advice is to keep it to just a few, six or eight maybe … mature believers, kind, loving, understanding, empathetic, having a Biblical worldview, steady, wise, etc.

MPD/DID: Disorder Issues

MPD stands for Multiple Personality Disorder. DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. When I was seeing a pastoral counselor, and I suddenly blurted out one of the reasons that I was struggling with transgenderism … well, it wasn’t too long before I asked my counselor, “Am I multiple?” And he answered, “Yes.”

Some Christians may have a problem with my use of MPD/DID … but, really the concept, even though it is recognized by psychology and psychiatry, is a Biblical one … God speaks in the Psalms of the “brokenhearted”, the “afflicted”, the “oppressed”, the “poor”. In the Gospels, Jesus talks about the “downcast”. People fit into these categories across a wide spectrum … some being severe.

I personally like the classification DID over the acronym MPD, because “Multiple Personality” might give the impression that there is more than one person inside; whereas DID speaks of “Dissociation” and “Identity” … only one person. We all dissociate … while driving and deep in thought, suddenly coming to the realization that we’re miles down the road and don’t recall paying attention to our driving.

If at some point in your journey with Jesus, you come to the realization that you are “multiple” or very “brokenhearted”, do not be alarmed. Bad things happen in this world … you see it in the news … and the Bible is very clear on the fact that we live in a fallen and sinful world … people do bad things to other people. Severe trauma results in splintering, fragmenting, splitting the mind and heart.

I basically have three systems inside: 1) Big Victor, 2) Little Victor, 3) Fairchild. Big Victor is the denial part of me, he’s the “person” that most people see, the one who functions in day-to-day operations. Everyone needs some denial to function properly. Little Victor contained alters or parts that were effeminate, like Victoria. It took a lot of counseling, journaling and time until all those confused parts were transformed to male parts. It took Jesus tearing down the idol (see the page “The Female Idol”). Fairchild is where all the pain resided, and this was the hardest system to access … took a lot of time and patience. But I praise God my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for helping me to be healed to a great extent, significantly “integrated” or “blended”, and functioning well.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Discipline & Trials

When I was a child, I got lots of spankings … I have no doubt that the discipline was sometimes warranted … but I have my suspicions that my parents maybe overdid it … they were very strict and overbearing. However, some parents are too lenient and lax. “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” Proverbs 13:24

Our Heavenly Father loves us and therefore He disciplines us. The writer of Hebrews, in Hebrews 12, says, “My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the LORD loves, He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives.” I encourage you to read all of chapter 12, but leave you with verse 11: “Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

It is hard to tell the difference between discipline and trials … I’m not even going to try to formulate an answer. But Jesus did promise that we would have trials, so that we might grow in Christ-likeness. In John 16, Jesus tells His disciples, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” If I were a Bible scholar, I might be able to tell you how to distinguish “tribulations” from “trials”, but, in my humble estimation, they are pretty much the same thing.

James, the half brother of Jesus, says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” “Perfect and complete” does not mean that we will be sinless this side of heaven (see 1 John 1:6-10). But it does mean that we will be suited to do the good works that God has prepared beforehand (see Ephesians 2:8-10).

The Apostle Peter, in 1 Peter 4, says, “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” Discipline, trials, tribulation … even persecution, but Jesus is with us!

Heaven and Hell

In John 14, Jesus tells His disciples, “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.”

The Apostle John, when he was exiled on the island of Patmos, wrote the book of Revelation. This is one of the best books in the Bible to help one get a sense of what heaven is really like. John himself says that it is important to read the whole book for yourself. So, I will let you do that. You’ll have questions … lots of them.

But even in the book of Revelation, a book about the events on earth and the events in heaven, there is mention of hell. Even John Bunyan, in his well-read book, Pilgrim’s Progress (and I highly recommend it), noted that there was a door to hell, even on the grounds of the Celestial City. Why is this? I believe that for eternity we will remember with gratitude to the Lord, His having mercy on us and saving us, making us one of the elect, one of His chosen, changing our hearts … giving us a desire for knowing Him personally … and sparing us from the eternal torment, the flames, the darkness, His visage of wrath and fury against sinners.

In Mark 9, Jesus talks about “where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.” In Matthew 10:28, Jesus warns, “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” In Revelation 21:7 the promise is made, “He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God, and he shall be My son.” But immediately following, in verse 8, it is said, “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” This should motivate us to work out our “own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12) and “win souls” for Christ (Proverbs 11:30).

What will be the focus of heaven? Giving glory to God and His Son, Jesus Christ. “Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” “You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory, honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.” Revelation 4:8, 11


In the romantic drama, Love Story, there is a song “Love Means”, in which the words are sung, “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” Well, I think I know what they were trying to say, but that is all wrong. Actually, saying, “I’m sorry”, doesn’t quite cut it either. The Bible speaks considerably about our need for forgiveness, and that is a way of thinking that is totally foreign to the world.

If the world could understand the need for forgiveness, then they, the “carnally minded”, would comprehend the need for a Savior, One who died on the cross for our sins. But the “carnal mind” cannot understand the things of God and is at enmity with God (see Romans 8:5-8). God says, through the author of Hebrews, in chapter 9, “And according to the law almost all things are purified with blood, and without shedding of blood there is no remission [of sins].” The New American Standard Bible (NASB) seems a little clearer to me “… there is no forgiveness [of sins].” We need the precious blood of Jesus to cleanse us from all our sins … so that we are totally forgiven by God.

The Apostle John, in the book of 1 John, says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” King Solomon, in Proverbs 28, says, “He who covers his sin will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Note the need for not only confessing sin, but forsaking it as well. Also, note that there is no need for an intermediary in coming to God, such as a priest. 1 Timothy 2 makes this clear … “For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus …” Jesus is our intermediary and He is all we need to come to God.

On the subject of forgiveness, we not only need God’s forgiveness, but the forgiveness of other human beings that we have offended. We also need to grant forgiveness to those who have offended us. Jesus makes this clear in the prayer that He taught His disciples … in Matthew chapter 6 … “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” Notice that Jesus says here that we will be forgiven in the same way that we forgive those who hurt us. That is rather sobering. Peter asked his Lord, how many times shall I forgive? He thought he was being generous with “seven times”. “Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22 We need God’s grace.

Ancestral Sins

In breaking the hold that transgenderism or effeminacy has on you, one of the aspects of a particular kind of sin is that it has its roots in the sins of our/your forefathers. All sin has its beginnings in our forefather, Adam, who in 1 Corinthians 15, is called the first Adam. “And so it is written, “The first man Adam became a living being.” The last Adam became a life-giving spirit.” The last or second Adam is Jesus Christ. Read 1 Corinthians 15 and Romans 5 to grasp this concept.

Following the second commandment, to not make any carved image, God says, “For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.” (See Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5.) “The iniquities of the fathers” is still an issue for “those who love [God] and keep [His] commandments.” Still, God is “showing mercy to thousands” including you.

In Daniel 9, Daniel, a “man greatly beloved”, prays, “O Lord, according to all Your righteousness, I pray, let Your anger and Your fury be turned away from Your city Jerusalem, Your holy mountain; because for our sins, and for the iniquities of our fathers, Jerusalem and Your people are a reproach to all those around us.” So, it is not just “our sins” that we need to confess and renounce, but “the iniquities of our fathers”.

Confession is one aspect of prayer to our God (see the page “Prayer”). Why do we have to confess more than our own sin? Why do we need to confess the sins of our forefathers, our ancestors? Well, there is a curious verse in Hebrews 7, which says, “Even Levi, who receives tithes, paid tithes through Abraham, so to speak, for he was still in the loins of his father when Melchizedek met him.” There is a sense in which we were there, in the loins of our forefathers, when they sinned. Sort of like the nestling wooden Russian dolls, Semenov Matryoshka. So we sinned with them. Romans 5 speaks further of this … that it even goes back to Adam … “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned …”

You’ll find in the Bible, we are even to confess our nation’s sins (2 Chron. 7:14).

God’s Armor

The book of Ephesians is a beautiful book. Well, all of God’s books in the Bible are beautiful … because they all point to Jesus. Getting back to Ephesians, it can help you with understanding who you really are “in Christ”. Take time to look for all the times that it says, who you are “in Christ”. Another special thing about the book of Ephesians is that it tells you what a husband-wife relationship should look like, because it is meant by God to be a picture of Christ and His bride, the Church.

However, the particular truth from Ephesians that I want to focus on with this page is “the whole armor of God”, covered by Paul in chapter 6. “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints …”

Take special note of the example of Jesus, when He was tempted by Satan. This is found in Matthew chapter 4 and Luke chapter 4. If you study these two passages of Scripture, you will find that Jesus answers Satan’s temptations with “It is written …” Jesus quotes Scripture from the Old Testament, speaking truth in His heart. In Matthew 16:23 it is said of Jesus, “But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.” ” Note that this temptation came from Satan through the mind and mouth of Peter.

Peter himself tells us, in 1 Peter 5, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

No Temptation

A very helpful verse of Scripture, when it comes to being tempted to cross-dress, or look at pornography, or fantasize about being a woman, or being tempted to sin in any way, is 1 Corinthians 10:13. Paul says, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

One helpful thing to remember is that the temptation that you are dealing with in a particular moment is “common to man”. Many people are dealing with it … something strange is not happening to you. In fact, that particular moment is an opportunity for you to pray for others who struggle with the same temptations.

Another promise to hold onto from this verse is that “God is faithful” and He “will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear”. God remembers that we are dust and He puts limits on the extent to which the tempter, Satan, can tempt us. If you read the first chapters of the book of Job, you will see that Satan could not do anything without God’s permission. It is the same for us.

The amazing thing about this verse is the promise, that God “will also make the way of escape” from the temptation. I personally believe that this “way of escape” is the opportunity to come directly into God’s throne room through prayer (see the page “Prayer”) and spend time with our Heavenly Father, through Jesus. Special times with God are waiting just on the other side of temptation. For more thoughts about resisting the tempter, see the page “God’s Armor”.

James, Jesus’ half-brother, wrote in James 1, “Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” Notice that enduring a temptation is an opportunity to show love to God. James goes on to say, “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone.”

The important thing to remember when you are tempted to sin, is that you are not alone … God is with you. David, in Psalm 38, bemoans his wretched condition, “For my iniquities have gone over my head, like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me … Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!”

Bruised Reed: Healing in Christ

You may not even realize how much you are hurting … I certainly didn’t for quite some time … but Jesus knew … yes, He knew better than anyone that I was in great pain. It wasn’t just because I considered myself to be a MTF transgender. There was much more to it … a lot more. But, Jesus is called the Great Physician. He healed countless people while He was on this earth, and He continues to heal people every day. He has healing for you.

“The LORD builds up Jerusalem (His Church); He gathers together the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:2-3

In Isaiah 42, the prophet who “saw the LORD sitting on a throne, high and lifted up …” says of Jesus, “A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench; He will bring forth justice for truth.”

Jesus will not take people who are “bruised” and break them. He will not take a person who is fainthearted … whose light is about to be snuffed out … and deal unjustly with them. He is not like that at all. He is gentle and humble with all who come to Him for salvation.

As I mentioned in the Introduction, one of my favorite Scriptures about Jesus is Matthew 11:28-30. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Again, Jesus is “gentle” and “humble” … He will deal with you in lovingkindness. In Psalm 18, the LORD comes to King David and delivers him from his foes … considers him “His delight” (verse 19) … and in verse 35, David says, “Your gentleness has made me great.” God knows that our path to greatness … becoming more like His beloved Son, Jesus … is not through rough treatment, but rather through His kind and loving care.

Just before verse 35, in verse 34, David says, “He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.” God knows that we are weak and hurting, but He will teach us how to deal with the enemy. Read the pages, “No Temptation” and “God’s Armor”.

Using Feminine Names

This page is an important one for those struggling with transgenderism. You may also want to read Your True Identity.

Victor is not my real name, but it is appropriate, because in Christ I am a victor, an overcomer. That is not to my credit … no reason for me to boast … but it is to the glory and honor of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who delivered me from the great bondage of transgenderism.

But, let’s just pretend that Victor is my real name. If I use it incorrectly, and think of myself as Victoria, then I am hurting myself. I am not speaking truth. I am speaking a lie. I did that with my own first name. But, beyond that, I had multiple names for different persona … I was in terrible bondage.

I strongly urge you, do not corrupt your name, do not feminize it. If you are an FTM, I urge you, do not masculinize your feminine name.

Names are very important. When God created Adam, our forefather, on the sixth and last day of creation, God brought all the animals to Adam for him to name them (see Genesis 2:19). “Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name.” It is interesting to note that God wanted “to see what he would call them.” God, in His foreknowledge, knew what Adam would name them, but He tells us this to help us understand that names are powerful and meaningful.

There was something about using a feminine name for myself that was “empowering” … in the wrong way. It reinforced the many lies that Satan and his demons had foisted upon me, to try to seal my fate.

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies (your whole being, your identity, your name) a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly …” Romans 12:1-3

Your True Identity

For those who truly know Christ, who really have a relationship with the Heavenly Father, through the atoning sacrifice and perfect life of Jesus … you have a new identity. For starters, you are a saint. No one who continually practices sin, a sinner, will be in heaven. The Apostle John, in Revelation 22, says, “But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie.”

But now that you are a saint, you have a new heart, and a new identity. You are in Christ (read the book of Ephesians and note where it says, “in Him”).

Let’s list some of the many new descriptions of yourself, since you are in Christ:

  1. You are an “overcomer”. See Revelation chapters 2 and 3.
  2. You are a “believer”. See Acts 5:14
  3. You are an “ambassador for Christ”. See 2 Corinthians 5:20
  4. You are “more than conquerors” through Him who loved us. See Rom. 8:37
  5. You are “the salt of the earth”. See Matthew 5:13
  6. You are “the light of the world”. See Matthew 5:14
  7. See the list of identities in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. Look at Matt. 5:3
  8. You are a “Christian”. See Acts 11:26
  9. You are a “disciple” of Jesus Christ. See Matthew 28:19
  10. You are a “friend” of Jesus, if you keep His commands. See John 15:14
  11. You are a “child of God”. See 1 John 3:1
  12. You are a “saint”, no longer a sinner … yes, you still sin, but you don’t practice sin … you are a new creature in Christ … see how the Apostle Paul addresses God’s people in his epistles, how many times King David refers to the saints in the Psalms (you can use to find any word in the Bible).

I am fairly certain that I have not exhausted the list of names for saints in the Bible, names that give the true identity of believers in Jesus Christ, the King and Head of the Church, the body of true believers. Now, an important point … it is time to stop thinking of yourself as a transgender … a transsexual. That is not your true identity … not if you are fighting it, resisting the evil one, Satan. Keep speaking the truth about yourself, and you will have greater freedom in Christ.

You Are Not Your Own

“For you were bought at a price…”

In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul, the Apostle that was knocked to the ground by the blinding Presence of King Jesus, says, “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

Can you accept this truth, this fact, that “you are not your own”? The reason is that God says, “you were bought at a price”. What was the “price”? The Apostle Peter, whom Jesus invited to walk on the water with Him, wrote in his first book, “And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; knowing that you were not redeemed (bought) with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.”

So, the “price” was “the precious blood of Christ”. This is why you are “not your own”. You therefore do not have the right to do with yourself what you wish. I myself did not have the right to dream and fantasize about subjecting this body to surgery, hormones, depilation, and more.

It is very well worth your time to think of Jesus Christ’s atoning work, redemptive work, on the cross (see the page “Glory in the Cross”). If you think that you chose Him, that you’re the one who decided to come to Christ, please think again in light of what the Scriptures say. Jesus says in John 15, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.” So, you did not choose Jesus, but He chose you.

God commanded Moses to have the people of Israel remember the Passover. When the people were in bondage in Egypt, one of the signs that the LORD performed was to have the angel of death pass over the Egyptians and the Israelites. The Israelites were forewarned, that if they used hyssop to paint the blood of the sacrificial lambs on their doorposts and lintels, the angel of death would “pass over” their homes and their firstborn sons would not die. Jesus has applied His precious blood to the door of your heart. He is the Lamb of God.

Beauty Is Passing

In Proverbs 31, King Lemuel records the wise words of his godly mother, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” For many of the MTF transgenders, physical beauty and attractiveness is a huge draw … we have trouble with lust, coveting, envy … but part of it may also be the comfort that we remember from our mothers … they were beautiful creatures in our youth. Be that as it may, this fallen and sinful world wants to conform us to its mold, Satan wants to ensnare us in his traps, and our weak flesh is easily attracted to outward beauty.

Proverbs 27 gives us the wisdom of Solomon, “Hell and Destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.” The Apostle John, in 1 John 2 says, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” The world is constantly bombarding us with sensual advertisements, featuring glamorous women, or what the world defines as beautiful. What we need to get into our hearts and minds is the fact that God defines “beauty” entirely different from the world and our flesh.

Every human being on the face of this planet, that ever existed, that is, or ever will be, is “beautiful” and has “worth” because they are created in the image of God. Nobody is plain in God’s sight. Everyone is an image bearer. Moses says in Genesis 1, “Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness …” ” Even those whose bodies and visages are marred by deformities … even they bear the mark of the Creator. It isn’t just the outer shell of our beings that is important … people aren’t objects … they are living souls with an eternal destiny … they have a mind, an intellect, a personality, a spirit.

We miss all this when we try to mess with our God-given gender. God created us as a complete package … body, soul, spirit, mind … He never intended that we should try to change any of it, no matter what we think might justify us doing so.

In Isaiah 40, the prophet says, “The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.” So, it is with physical beauty … it withers and fades away … “beauty is passing.”

None of our human “solutions” will last … no matter how hard we try to create a beautiful flower … the person we are trying to hide, cover up, will still be there.

Dead to Sin, Alive to God

You’ve probably heard of “dead reckoning”. “In navigation, dead reckoning is the process of calculating one’s current position by using a previously determined position, or fix, and advancing that position based upon known or estimated speeds over elapsed time and course.” (Wikipedia) “Reckon yourselves to be dead” is wording that is found in Romans 6:11 The whole verse is, “Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Instead of the word “reckon”, you could use the word “consider”.

To really understand what Paul is talking about, we need to start back at verse 4, “Therefore we were buried with Him (Jesus) through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin.”

So, our “old man” is indeed dead. We need to “reckon” or “consider” it as being so. This is not a mind game that God asks us to play. It really is so. This is why Paul can say, “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

The death of our “old man” can be traced back to an OT Scripture, found in Ezekiel 36, “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone (the old man) out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.”

A dead man is indeed free from sin, so do some “dead reckoning” … go from your last known position … “dead to sin” … to your current position … “alive to God” … and consider it to be so. Your map and compass, the Bible, shows it to be a fact that you can rely on.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2 Cor. 5:17

I’m Alright…Nobody Worry

Kenny Loggins wrote a song, “I’m Alright”. The lyrics go, “I’m alright, nobody worry ‘bout me, you got to gimme a fight, why don’t you just let me be?”

As transgenders, we can vacillate back and forth between our alarm at what we’re doing to ourselves and keeping people at arm’s length who might try to help us … “I’m alright, just leave me alone!”

This is completely understandable … there is a war going on inside of us. In Galatians 5, the Apostle Paul tells us, “For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”

Jesus said, “Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41 “The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.” Because God has given us a new heart, we can’t continue in sin with impunity. It just isn’t our nature to be sinners … we’re now saints (see “The Heart of Each Saint”). The weakness of our flesh is why the Apostle Paul, in Romans 7, says, “I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man (the new heart). But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members (the flesh). O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

We are indeed very “wretched” and miserable if we persist in trying to pander to the desires of our flesh and totally ignore our spiritual condition in Christ. This was the case in the church at Laodicea. In Revelation 3, Jesus Christ tells the Laodiceans, “… you say, “I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing” – and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind and naked …” (See Dead to Sin, Alive to God.)

The picture of God and His holy saints, in Psalm 110, is of grass with morning dew, glistening brilliantly in the radiant light of the rising sun. “Your people shall be volunteers (willing) in the day of Your power; in the beauties of holiness, from the womb of the morning, You have the dew of Your youth.”

So, give attention to your spirit … you are “alive to God in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 6).

Ignoring God

Are you ignoring God and what he says about your sin?

The Scripture passage in Genesis 19, about the wicked men of Sodom, is sometimes used by Christians to support their contention that the sin of homosexuality is a heinous sin. I personally believe that they are missing the real issue. Gays are not any more sinful than people who covet their neighbor’s car or house, or someone who does not show respect to their parents. In God’s law, a son who persisted in being disrespectful to his parents was to be stoned to death.

I believe that what is really at issue is shown in Genesis chapter 14, five chapters before the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Abram (later called Abraham), returns from a battle in which he rescued his nephew, Lot, and the people of Sodom. Note in verse 17 that the king of Sodom went out to meet Abram after his defeat of Chedorlaomer. In verse 18, we are told that “Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine; he was the priest of God Most High.” This is really important … and the king of Sodom and his people miss the whole point.

Abram, in verse 22, even says that he himself is a servant of “the LORD, God Most High, the Possessor of heaven and earth.” This statement by Abram doesn’t even phase the king of Sodom and his people. Do they take any interest in “God Most High” or the two people, Abram and Melchizedek, who represent Him? No, they totally ignore God and His two representatives. They continue in their sin.

Melchizedek, priest of God Most High, brings out bread and wine … he was bringing communion to Abram. Two millennia later, Jesus Christ would institute the Lord’s Supper, using bread and wine, with His disciples, the night before He was to be crucified on a wooden cross. In Psalm 110, King David says, “The LORD said to my Lord, “Sit at My right hand, till I make Your enemies Your footstool.” This is a picture of God the Father speaking to Jesus Christ, His beloved Son. Just three verses later God tells Jesus, “You are a priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek.”

This is vitally important … the sin of transgenderism is not the worst sin in the world … yes, it grieves the Holy Spirit when we try to deal with our pain through gender bending … but what really grieves God is when we ignore Him and His Son, Jesus, who came as our priest to bring us to God. The person who is condemned is the one who does not believe in Jesus, who ignores Jesus (John 3:16-20).

Life with My Children

King Solomon, in Psalm 127, says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 128, immediately following, says, “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD.” The psalm ends with “Yes, may you see your children’s children.”

Part of me knew that I had a great gift from the LORD in my children, but I didn’t love them like I should have … I tried to take my life … I dreamed of leaving them and becoming a post-op transgender. Oh, I had silly dreams of coming to visit them as their second mom, but, really … what would I have done to them?

Jesus, in Matthew 18:2-6, sets a little child in the midst of His disciples, and says, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” This is a very serious warning from Jesus.

Thankfully, none of my children ever saw me dressed or made-up like a woman. But they certainly could have. I was very foolish and cross-dressed while they were asleep in the house. They could easily have woken up … and they would have been frightened and devastated … not at all understanding why their father was acting so strange.

Please do not put your children at risk. Do not cause them to stumble. Jesus has given you a very serious warning … the consequences are dire if you do not heed His words. If you have caused your children confusion, dismay, anger, please seek God’s forgiveness … your children’s forgiveness … your spouse’s forgiveness.

Free PDF: The Godly Man’s Picture, Thomas Watson, Puritan Paperbacks, 1992.

God’s Love

I first accepted Christ when I was eight years old. I was trying to go to sleep one night and I couldn’t, because I knew, even at that age, that I was going to hell if I didn’t ask Jesus to come into my heart and be my Savior. I had no understanding of Him being my Lord. And while I knew that He loved me, because He had died on the cross for me, I had no idea how vast and deep that love was.

The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 3, prays, “For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height – to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

That is quite a prayer! Notice that God’s love has “width”, “length”, “depth”, and “height”. I submit to you the thought that it is infinite in each direction … that God’s love surpasses the boundaries of this known universe … that it is love “which passes knowledge”. Our knowledge of the universe is currently limited to 46.5 billion light years around us. We may be able to see further in the very near future with the James Webb Space Telescope, but we can never see to infinity. God is bigger than His creation … He made the heavens and the earth … His love is infinite as demonstrated by the death of His Son, Jesus, on the cross (Rom. 5:8).

My wife and I had a verse reference, 1 John 4:19, inscribed on the inside of my wedding band. That verse says, “We love Him because He first loved us.” Jesus said, in John 14, “If you love Me, keep My commandments.” Jesus is not speaking of works salvation … no one can earn their salvation … He knows that we can’t keep His law perfectly … that we sin … but He is asking us to grow in our love for Him by obeying Him the best that we can, by His grace (see the page “Grace”).

More about God’s love for us … see Psalm 36 … “How precious is Your loving-kindness, O God! Therefore, the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.” Read Psalm 103 that recounts many ways in which God loves us.

The True Christian’s Love to the Unseen Christ, Thomas Vincent, Soli Deo Gloria.

Repentance Vs. Practicing Sin

John the Baptist was God’s “messenger” who would “… prepare the way of the LORD.” “Now after John was put in prison …” Jesus was saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent and believe in the gospel.” (See “The Gospel” on page 2.)
What does “repentance” or “repent” mean? It means to turn around, stop running from God toward your sin, start running toward God for your salvation.

Was I being repentant when I threw all my paraphernalia away and a few weeks later bought more stuff to aid me in seeing myself as a woman? In 1 Kings 18, Elijah the prophet asked the people of Israel, “How long will you falter between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.” I faltered between two opinions … I was a man who had doubts about God’s love … and James 1 says, “… he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind … he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” How many times did my loving wife need to forgive me? What about my loving Heavenly Father?

What I was struggling with was “… the sin which so easily ensnares [me] …” Hebrews 12:1 But, the Apostle Paul, in 2 Timothy 2, says, “… if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth.” What I needed was for God to “grant repentance” to me. I prayed earnestly for that and I also prayed that Jesus would tear down “the female idol” inside (see “The Female Idol”) … which He eventually did, to His honor and glory. As David says in Psalm 40, “He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps.”

For the past seven years, I have not turned back to the sin which so easily entangled me. God has granted me true and lasting repentance. I am no longer doubting God’s love for me, demonstrated through the gift of His dear Son, Jesus. “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 In Ezekiel 14 the prophet says, “Thus says the Lord GOD: “Repent, turn away from your idols, and turn your faces away from all your abominations.”

The Doctrine of Repentance, Thomas Watson, Puritan Paperbacks
What is Repentance?, R.C. Sproul, Crucial Questions, Reformation Trust

Jesus Took Our Shame

When I was bound up in transgenderism, I had to deal with significant shame. I told God that I could not imagine myself going to heaven and being comfortable there. I could only imagine the other saints looking down on me because I had struggled with being effeminate. I had a total misconception of heaven.

The Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 10, says, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” Note that Paul says that the particular temptations that we experience are “common to man”. What you are struggling with is not strange. Ask Jesus to show you why you are grappling with transgenderism. Knowing will help you immensely. Something happened to you, either “in utero” or after you were born that gave you this desire to be feminine.

Read the first couple verses of Hebrews 12. There the author of Hebrews says that Jesus, “… for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame …” Jesus was stripped naked, nailed to the wooden cross, and put on public display, in one of the most cruel and shaming methods of execution devised by wicked men. Jesus despised the shame that He was put through. He focused on the joy of redeeming a people for Himself and His Heavenly Father.

The psalmist David, in Psalm 69, speaks prophetically of Jesus talking to His Father while upon the cross, “You know My reproach, My shame, and My dishonor; My adversaries are all before You. Reproach has broken My heart, and I am full of heaviness; I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none. They also gave Me gall for My food, and for My thirst they gave Me vinegar to drink.” Jesus did not remain in His feelings of shame … He gave them to His Father in heaven. We need to follow Christ’s example for us and give our shame to God. Psalm 55 says, “Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

It is the wicked who will be put to shame. Bildad says in Job 8, “Those who hate you will be clothed with shame, and the dwelling place of the wicked will come to nothing.” The psalmist prays, “… O LORD, do not put me to shame!” Ps. 119:31

The Psalms

Maybe I should have talked about the Psalms prior to this.  I have quoted them often. David, when he was hunted by King Saul, intent on killing him, said, “I cried out to You, O LORD: I said, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I.” ” Psalm 142:5-6 Psalms are for real.

The Psalms can take us through every human emotion, show us how to call on Almighty God to save us, deliver us, draw us closer to Him. Regardless of the emotion or difficulty, the psalmist always speaks the truth about his God. The psalter is full of examples of praise and prayer. David prays in Psalm 143, “Revive me, O LORD, for Your name’s sake! For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.” In Psalm 144, David gives praise, saying, “I will sing a new song to You, O God; on a harp of ten strings I will sing praises to You …”

Psalm 51, another psalm of David, is an excellent guide for how to seek the Lord’s forgiveness for sin. This particular instance was after David had taken Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba, and committed adultery with her, and had Uriah killed in battle. David acknowledges his sin and tells God, “Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight …” David asks for God’s cleansing, praying, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

There are a significant number of psalms that speak of the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Psalm 2, gives prophetic utterance to the coming Messiah, “… the LORD has said to Me, “You are My Son, today I have begotten You. Ask of Me, and I will give You the nations for Your inheritance, and the ends of the earth for Your possession. You shall break them with a rod of iron; You shall dash them to pieces like a potter’s vessel.” The psalm ends with the admonition, “Kiss the Son, lest He be angry, and you perish in the way, when His wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.” Psalm 22, 45, 89 and 110 are just a few of the other psalms that speak of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Psalm 27 expresses the psalmist’s strong desire, “One thing I have desired of the LORD, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple.”

The Book of Psalms for Worship, Crown & Covenant Publications, 2009.

Trust Issues

All our coins have the words, “In God We Trust”, stamped on them. The government may one day remove those words, but it can never remove the fact that many of our forefathers were God-fearing men and women.

Solomon, the wisest man in all the earth, wrote the following in Proverbs chapter 3, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” He goes on to say, “Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, and strength to your bones.”

Our natural inclination, given all our fears and frailties, is to trust in our own thinking and in our own strength. But God our Creator says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

I had some pretty major trust issues … I didn’t trust God … I didn’t trust others … I was very much a lone wolf and that got me into a lot of trouble. I had never trusted anyone with my secret of cross-dressing and desiring to take estrogen treatments and have gender reassignment surgery. I started to open up a bit with a Christian counselor when my wife saw that I was having issues with my parents. Jesus gave me one of the reasons why I was grappling with gender dysphoria … and I didn’t handle it very well … I attempted to take my life shortly after that revelation. It was that failure that helped me to see my need to trust Jesus.

King David, the psalmist, prayed three things with respect to his heart:

  1. 1) that God would “incline” his heart toward what was right,
  2. 2) that God would “strengthen” his heart to obey God’s commands,
  3. 3) that God would “enlarge” his heart to trust completely in the Lord Jesus Christ.

David says, in Psalm 37, “Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.”

Trust Jesus … open up to Him. He says, “Come unto Me …” Matthew 11:28-30

Suffering with Jesus

The Apostle Paul, in the third chapter of Philippians, says, “that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  What is “the fellowship of [Christ’s] sufferings”?

Jesus told His disciples that they needed to take up their cross daily and follow Him.  Psalm 85 says, “Righteousness will go before Him, and shall make His footsteps our pathway.”  We are to follow Jesus example for us.  Jesus said in John 13, “… a servant is not greater than his master …”

The Apostle Peter said in 1 Peter 4, “Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.  For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles – when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries.”

The Apostle Peter went on to say, “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy … Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter.  For the time has come for judgment to begin at the house of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the end of those who do not obey the gospel of God? … Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator.”

People around us suffer in many ways, and we should be praying for them, that God would have mercy upon them, and deliver them.  Some children are horribly abused, domestic violence is rampant, there are many poor and starving people in the world, abortion still takes the lives of many unborn children, sex trafficking profits from selling human souls into bondage, many people are in slavery to sexual immorality.  While we struggle with the sin of being effeminate, the sin of transgenderism, we have a lot to learn about suffering with Christ and suffering well.

Read: The Crook in the Lot, Thomas Boston, Soli Deo Gloria, 2001.

The Heart of Each Saint

Here is great news!  The believer in Christ does not have a “Jeremiah 17:9” heart, “deceitful” and “desperately wicked”.  The Lord gives the new believer a new heart.  “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17).  What is this new creation?  “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26).  This is something that God alone does, not us.

Jeremiah chapter 17 contrasts the wicked with the righteous.  Verses 1-6 depict the wicked.  Verses 7-8 picture the righteous.  What of verse 9?  “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked …”  Popular interpretation of this verse is to believe that it describes the heart of both the wicked and the righteous, but is that true?  How can a desperately wicked heart even begin to respond to the Spirit of God?

In Jeremiah chapter 31, verse 33, the LORD says, “… I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts …”  So, instead of “sin” (Jeremiah 17:1) being written on the believer’s heart, “God’s law” is written there … a big difference!

Jesus spoke of this difference between the righteous and the wicked, when He said in Matthew 12:35, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure [of his heart] brings forth evil things.”  In Matthew 7:17-18, Jesus said, “Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.”

But a child of His still sins.  Our new hearts are fashioned in the likeness of Christ’s own heart.  We are told by Christ, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  The flesh cannot accomplish the righteousness of God.  Nothing good dwells in our flesh.  The flesh is at war with the Spirit who lives in the heart of believers.  But, we are given hope.  We are now saints, not sinners.  Yes, we still sin, but we cannot practice it like sinners do.  We are more than conquerors through Christ … we are overcomers.  We bear good fruit as we abide in Christ and walk in the Spirit. When we do sin, we ask God to cleanse our heart, like David prayed in Psalm 51.

A word of caution … Proverb 28:26 says, “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered.”  Our heart is a creation and we are to trust in the LORD alone.

The heart is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit and our spirit; we are one.  We will walk in the Spirit, because we are willing in the day of Christ’s power (Psalm 110:3).  We are new creatures … everything is made new.  We are indeed saints, not sinners, as the New Testament writers conveyed in their epistle greetings.  Sinners practice sin.  But, because God is the One who cleanses and creates, we – His saints – can forsake a life of sinning by His grace … and practice righteousness.

Read the following: Keeping the Heart, John Flavel, Soli Deo Gloria, 1998.

True Worship

Jesus, speaking to the Samaritan woman at the well, says, “But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”  John 4:23-24

“Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.”  James 1:27

God graciously orchestrated events such that I was led to a “reformed” church that had its roots in the Reformation.  I could not have chosen a better place for myself. This was the place that I found my lovely wife-to-be.  She in turn would direct me to the counselors that would prove to be so helpful.

This church has proved a good place for me for the following reasons:

  1. Almighty God was presented as being omniscient (all knowing), omnipresent (everywhere present), and omnipotent (all powerful), just as the Bible teaches.  He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth.
  2. The Ancient of Days was also preached as being Sovereign (King over all) and Providential (in charge of all things).  Nothing happened without His express consent and will, not even the rebellious movements of Satan and his demons, just as the Bible teaches.  This truth was especially important after I learned the reasons why I was struggling with transgenderism.
  3. The Triune God was, is, and is to come, the One true and living God, three Persons in the Godhead: God the Father, God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit.  God is perfect in all His divine attributes.
  4. Jesus Christ is Prophet, Priest and King.  He is also a mighty Warrior.  He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, and reigns right now over all the nations.  He is fully God and fully Man.  He always does the will of His Father and He has sent His Holy Spirit to be our Comforter and our Helper.

This is a start on what I have learned.  This church proved to be a safe place.

Messiah the Prince, William Symington, The Christian Statesman Press, 1999.

Glory in the Cross

The Apostle Paul, wrote in the sixth chapter of Galatians, “But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.”  In 1 Corinthians 1, Paul said, “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.”

There is great benefit in focusing on the cross where Jesus died for us.  Jesus told Nicodemus in John chapter 3, “And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.”  Just as the children of Israel who looked to the bronze serpent on a pole were saved from the poisonous snakes, we are saved as we look upon the cross where Jesus died to deliver us from our sins.

I highly recommend reading the four gospel accounts, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  Pay particularly close attention to the end of those books, reading the four different eyewitness accounts of Jesus’ suffering under Pontius Pilate, His agonizing time on the cross between two thieves, and His resurrection from the dead.  It is the power of the cross and the power of Jesus’ resurrection that will deliver you from the enslavement of transgenderism and all your other sins.  Paul said in Galatians chapter two, “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

In Romans 6, Paul said, “For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.  For he who has died has been freed from sin.  Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him.”

Two books that I highly recommend in the study of the cross of Christ are:

  • The Seven Sayings of the Savior on the Cross, Arthur W. Pink, Baker Books, 2005.
  • The Resurrection of the Shroud, Mark Antonacci, M. Evans and Company, 2000. The Shroud of Turin, understood properly, is not an artifact to be worshipped, but rather a tool to comprehend the horrors that our Lord and Savior suffered for us.

Letting Others In

Yesterday, I had lunch with a man who attends the same church that I do.  We have been friends for a long time.  But, ahead of our meeting, I thought about letting him understand me in a deeper way.  When we met for lunch, I unfolded my life story to him, telling him about my struggle with transgenderism, and the reasons that Jesus had given me that explained my struggle.  I trusted him … that was the only reason that I could “open up” to him and let him know the real me.  I was not disappointed.  He believed me and understood what I was telling him.  We had a good time together.  He encouraged me with thoughts from Psalm 23.

It doesn’t always work that way.  Sometimes the person that you’re confiding in will not be sympathetic or empathetic … they will not understand you and maybe even say hurtful things.  That happens even inside the church.  It shouldn’t, but it does.  But you can’t walk alone, like I did … you need friends you can trust.

The psalmist David, in Psalm 16, said, “As for the saints who are on the earth, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.”  Ask Jesus to help you judge character, to discern people who have wisdom, who are loving and kind.  He will guide you to the right people.  I have about six/eight people who know my past and understand the challenges that I still face in walking through this “valley of the shadow of death”.  Psalm 23

When you share your story, you don’t need to give details … you don’t need to shame yourself.  Be careful how you describe things.  Also, it is probably best that you make a break with anyone you know who is trapped in the transgender lifestyle.  Unless you are very good at swimming, you can’t help someone else stay afloat, they will only drag you down, tell you things that aren’t helpful.

Am I happy with the close friends that I’ve acquired?  Yes, for the most part.  I still do most of my sharing with just two or three “really close” friends.  But, I enjoy doing things with my friends.  Very few of them really understand what I have been through, the pain that I have suffered, only Jesus can truly understand that and be my closest friend.  Even my wife has her limits, but she understands me better than anyone on this earth and she still loves me and accepts me.  Ecclesiastes says, “For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

The Seventh Commandment?

There may be some in the Church, in the Christian community, who connect transsexualism or transgenderism with the seventh commandment, “You shall not commit adultery.”  (See Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5.)  They may see it as a form of sexual immorality.  That could be the case, but, then again, it might not be.

Holding to the transgender lifestyle might rather be a case of breaking the first commandment, “You shall have no other gods before Me.”  Or it might be an instance of breaking the second commandment, “You shall not make for yourself a carved image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath (for me, women), or that is in the water under the earth …”  (I also had a thing for idolizing mermaids … fantasizing about being one.)  Or it could be a matter of coveting, covered by the tenth commandment … coveting the body of a woman that you have seen … envy (Yep).  Or it may be a matter of breaking a combination of the commandments.  James chapter 2, says, that if we have failed in keeping one commandment, we have actually broken all of them, “For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all.”

Keeping the Law of God is not the means of our salvation.  Christ has kept it for us.  We are saved by grace alone, faith alone, Christ alone (see The Five Solas). The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 2, expresses this well: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”  We are not under a “covenant of works”, but the Law is a “rule of life” for us.

Paul the Apostle, in 2 Corinthians 6, says: “And what agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For you are the temple of the living God.  As God has said: “I will dwell in them and walk among them.  I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”  Therefore, “Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord.  Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.  I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty.”

Yes, “Come out from among them and be separate …”  In the first chapter of 1 Peter, we read, “But as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” “  Holy means “separate” or “set apart”.  Set yourself apart from the world for Jesus.

The Five Solas

On a previous page, I talked about “The Westminster Confession of Faith”.  I encourage you to look up the Confession and become familiar with it.  Something else that should prove helpful is “The Five Solas”.  These are Latin phrases that summarize key truths of the Reformation.  

They are as follows:

  1. Sola Scriptura (“Scripture alone”): The Bible alone is our highest authority.
    “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God [God breathed], and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”  2 Timothy 3:16-17
  2. Sola Fide (“faith alone”): We are saved through faith alone in Jesus Christ.
    “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”  Hebrews 11:1, 6
  3. Sola Gratia (“grace alone”): We are saved by the grace of God alone.
    “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”  Ephesians 2:8-10
  4. Solus Christus (“Christ alone”): Jesus Christ alone is our Lord, Savior, and King.
    This is the ‘stone which was rejected by you builders, which has become the chief cornerstone.’ Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”  Acts 4:11-12 (Jesus Christ of Nazareth is named in verse 10)
  5. Soli Deo Gloria (“to the glory of God alone”): We live for the glory of God alone.
    “You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.”  Revelation 4:11

By Grace Alone

Overcoming the transgender lifestyle cannot be done by self-effort … by white-knuckling it … by straining yourself.  It can only be overcome by the grace of God.

In Ephesians two, Paul the Apostle says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

Grace is God’s strength in Christ.  The Apostle Paul asked God to remove a thorn in his flesh.  In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul gives an account of his ordeal: “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.  Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.  And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” “

Now we, who struggle with transgenderism, should not stop at asking the Lord three times to be free of our affliction.  It is clear from Scripture that God does not want us to remain in this sinful lifestyle.  In the book of James, it is said, “God gives greater grace.”  If transgenderism is “the sin which so easily ensnares us”, God’s grace is greater.

In Hebrews 12 we are given the injunction to keep our eyes on Jesus: “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Keeping our eyes on Jesus is so important, it cannot be over-emphasized.  The story is told in Matthew 14, how Peter saw Jesus walking on the sea.  “And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”  So, He said, “Come.”  And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out …”  Watch Jesus.


“You can never look up.”  That is a statement of shame and disgrace.  It is a lie for those who have a heart fashioned in the likeness of Jesus Christ.  Again, this is a stronghold that needs to be cast down by the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.

When Jesus looked at the children of Israel who were coming to Him, He saw them as sheep that were downcast.  This is language that describes a sheep that has eaten the wrong things, and is lying on its back, its feet in the air, its body bloated by the toxins that were in the bad plants.

If we eat lies it will eventually kill us.  Jesus is the only One who can help us eat truth.  In John 14, He says of Himself, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through Me.”  It can be a challenge, speaking the truth, particularly if you have been listening to lies for a long time.  But in John chapter ten, Jesus speaks of Himself as the Good Shepherd, “And when He brings out His own sheep, He goes before them; and the sheep follow Him, for they know His voice.  Yet they will by no means follow a stranger, but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.”  This is how Jesus wants us to function, listening to and acting upon His voice, and not the voice of the enemy.

I remember vividly, dealing with the stronghold of “Downcast”.  There was a tall tower in my heart and beside it a deep dark pit.  It was like a black hole, trying to suck me in and keep me in darkness forever.  There was so much shame, disgrace, embarrassment, and despair in that bottomless pit.  Where had all the shame come from?  It was not just my cross-dressing and dreams of being a woman … no, it was things that happened to me in my past … things that I couldn’t remember … only Jesus could show me … I couldn’t go there in my own strength … I needed Him to hold my hand.

In John chapter ten, Jesus says, “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.  And I will give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.  My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand.”  Psalm 73 says, “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand.”

The Fountain

If you are a true believer in Jesus Christ, you have great hope.  How can you know for sure that you belong to Christ?  The Apostle John, in First John, says, “And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.  He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.”

Soon after my attempt to take my life, after the psychiatric hospital, after the time with the man who took me through the book of Ephesians, showing me who I really was “in Christ” and the battle with the enemy, God showed me what my heart was like.  It was no longer the heart of the wicked in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”  No longer could it be said, “The sin of Judah is written with a pen of iron; with the point of a diamond it is engraved on the tablet of their heart …”

Instead, God said of my heart, in Jeremiah 31, “Behold, the days are coming, says the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah … this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the LORD: I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”  Instead of sin being written on my heart, God’s Word was written there.

In John six, Jesus says, “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing.  The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life.”  In John seven, Jesus says further, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”  The next verse says what the “living water” is.  “But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive …”  So, the Spirit is like a “fountain” and “rivers” in the center of our heart, just like the fountain and rivers that flowed from the Garden of Eden.

Luke eight says, “These are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart …”  This new heart is something that I will talk further about.  It is God’s creation.  It is not of our own doing or efforts.  Matthew 12 says, “The good man out of his good treasure brings forth what is good.”  Again, this is all to the glory of God, who has called us out of the darkness and into His marvelous light.


“You must not let anyone get close to you or you will get hurt again.”  It was another lie.  Jesus and His Word, the Bible, kept uncovering these lies.  They are what the Bible calls “strongholds”.  They are places in our heart given to the enemy because we allowed anger and bitterness to settle in.  We all get hurt andwounded.  The Apostle Paul, in the book of Ephesians says, “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”

A stronghold is a fortress that is built in our heart, built with the mortar of our strong emotions, and the stones of the enemy’s lies, on a place of woundednesswhich we gave to the enemy in anger.  Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh.  For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ …”

So, what was I supposed to do with this lie?  I needed good people to help me out of my godless lifestyle.  King David said in Psalm 16, “Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust.  O my soul, you have said to the LORD, “You are my Lord.  My goodness is nothing apart from You.”  As for the saints who are on the earth, “They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.” “  First and foremost, my trust was to be in the LORD.  Second, I was to trust the saints, believers in Jesus, to help me in my walk through life.  They would not be perfect, but I could trust Jesus to use them in my life.

The writer of Hebrews says: “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.”  So, I needed to be in a Bible believing church.  I needed to be with “the saints”.  They were not perfect, but, like Daniel, they had “the Spirit of the living God” in their hearts.

God led me to a “reformed” church.  They believed “the Westminster Confession of Faith.”  I will talk more about this, since it was very helpful to my having a rightview of God and a right view of myself.

Never Too Far

Once some years ago, I read a book by a former transsexual. He had gone through the hormonal treatment and the SRS and was miserable. As I recall, the man came to know Jesus. He came to the conviction that he needed to reverse the procedure and become as much like a man again as possible.

If you are in the position of having changed your apparent gender, then there is still hope for you. Seek the Lord Jesus Christ and ask Him what you should do. I am not in your shoes and would not pretend to know what the answer is in this given circumstance.

In John chapter six, Jesus says: “All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out.” Jesus does not throw His children away, like some do in this world. When I was in my teens, I read from Deuteronomy chapter 22: “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the LORD your God.”

For a time, I thought that I was an abomination. I did not know what to do.  But then God showed me that I was a believer in Christ, that He had changed my heart, and that I could not go on practicing sin as the unbelievers do.  Yes, I bought clothes, wigs, makeup, jewelry and more … yes, I cross-dressed and pretended that I was a woman … but God always brought conviction of sin and brought me to the point of throwing everything away … even the photos. How many times did I go through the cycle of buying and throwing away? It is beyond count. But, as I’ve said, Jesus took down the feminine idol in answer to my prayer. God did not abandon me to my sin.

There was another verse that spoke to my need. God told me in no uncertain terms that it was wrong for me to seek SRS. Deuteronomy 23:1 says: “He who is emasculated by crushing or mutilation shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.” Again, for those who have had SRS, there is still hope. Jesus said that He will not cast out a person who comes to Him for salvation.

No matter where you are at in the transgender world, Jesus still says, “Come unto Me.” Matthew 11 There is still opportunity to turn to Him before He judges the world with fire. He will bring an end to all things and will set all things right.


There was another lie inside.  “Your inside and your outside can never agree.”  I felt fake and hypocritical.  No one could see the real me.  I wasn’t sure that I knew who the real me was either.  I just knew that I wasn’t being honest with myself or the people around me.  I was afraid of the person that I saw inside.  He was full of fears and contradictions.  I didn’t know how to be honest with myself or with anyone else.

The psalmist David writes in Psalm 15: “LORD, who may abide in Your tabernacle?  Who may dwell in Your holy hill?  He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart …”  I wanted desperately to speak the truth in my heart.  Only Jesus could help me do that.  Only Jesus could get my inside and my outside to agree.  My dear wife also helped me to speak the truth to myself.  She would speak the truth to me about who I really was, andwould have me repeat it to her.  Eventually, I came to the place where I could tell myself the truth about myself and the truth about my God.  Find someone you can trust who will help you speak the truth.  You also need to hear yourself speak the truth.

Today, my inside and my outside match.  I know who I am.  I don’t have to pretend that I am someone else. I am comfortable with who I am. Jesus has shown me my life history and I can own it, accept it, even if it is painful.  Jesus can help you to get your inside and outside to agree.  He can help you find your life story.  It may be painful, but it is better to know the truth than to live in the dark.

It was not helpful, telling myself that I was someone else rather than who I really was.  It brought all kinds of stress and discomfort I didn’t need.  I thought that I had comfort and peace in pretending to be someone else, but deep down I knew it was a lie.  It was only momentary relief.  Accepting myself as the person that God made me brought lasting relief, comfort and peace.

Find that “hidden person of the heart”, who you really are.  It will take hard work.  There may be pain involved, but it is worth it.  Ask your Heavenly Father, your Abba Father, who stands with open arms to welcome you, to help you.  Ask Jesus Christ your Lord to enable you to be the beautiful person that He made you to be.  God does not design ugly.  God does not make mistakes.  He made a special and unique person when He fashioned you.  Start agreeing with Him and truly live life.

Wounded Spirit

Why was I struggling with transgenderism?  I was in shock … a wounded part of me was speaking … I heard the lie being repeated over and over again … constantly playing inside … “You are cheap, dirty and unacceptable.”  There had to be a reason why I would speak that lie to myself.

Why would I feel “cheap, dirty and unacceptable”?  Suddenly, I had a very good reason from Jesus.  He brought me to the point where I could verbalize it to my counselor.  One day, I just blurted it out … it shocked me, stunned me … but I knew it was the truth.  It hadn’t even been in my conscious mind … suddenly it was on the tip of my tongue.  I had repressed the truth about it for many years.

Now I knew why I clung to transgenderism, and why I accepted this lie.  Jesus told His disciples, “You are already clean because of the word that I have spoken to you.” John 15:3  Jesus died on the cross to wash me clean from my sins.  Through the prophet Isaiah, God the Lord spoke and said, “Come now, and let us reason together … though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”  Isaiah 1:18

So, the truth is that in Jesus I am costly, clean and acceptable.  That is a truth that I need to be telling myself.  That is what you need … the truth … Jesus’ truth for you … you need to start speaking it in your heart and in your mind.  There are three possible sources of thoughts inside you.  You can have your own thoughts.  But you probably think that is all you have … your own thoughts.  But that is not the whole truth … you also have the enemy, Satan, speaking lies to you … but, thankfully, you also have God’s Holy Spirit speaking truth to you.

Jesus said to His disciples that when He returned to heaven, He would send His Holy Spirit to be our Helper, our Comforter.  What could be more helpful and comforting than the truth that God speaks to our hearts?  Where does this truth come from?  It comes from God’s Word, the Bible, the Holy Scriptures.  That is why we should do everything we can to hear His Word, read His Word and even internalize His Word through meditation.  The Psalms are a good place to start.  

The Psalmist, King David, speaks the truth about God, regardless of his feelings and emotions.  No matter what his life circumstances, David chooses to speak the truth about himself and about God.  We would do well to emulate him.

God’s Delight

It was soon after I had gone to the psychiatric hospital, after I had tried taking my life, that God told me something wondrous and totally beyond belief. My wife took me to see a Christian man who had spoken to me the day of my suicide attempt. I had taken the phone from my wife and had heard him say amazingly comforting words … soothing words … I can’t remember what they were, but they brought such peace and hope to my heart. I wanted to talk to him again. So, here was my opportunity … I had a full work week with this dynamic and loving man.

When I met with this godly man, it was not the darkness that I was under in the psychiatric hospital. Light was in this man’s eyes, when I could get myself past the shame and look into his face. The first place that he took me in the Holy Scriptures was Psalm 18. I wasn’t prepared for the strength of the verses he read to me … it almost knocked me over.

Verse 16-19 … “He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.”

How could God possibly delight in me? I felt so dirty and ashamed … so unworthy. But yet, God said, “He delivered me because He delighted in me.” This was because when God looked at me, He saw Jesus, the precious Lamb of God, without stain of sin or blemish of rebellion. God Himself had taken the hyssop and dipped it in the blood of Christ, then painted the door posts and the lintel of my heart, so that the angel of death would pass over me. I was floored by the mercy of my Almighty God. I stood in awe of His splendor. I worshipped my King and my Lord, “King of Kings and Lord of Lords”. Revelation 19:16

Again, in the Psalms, Psalm 149, God says: “Let Israel rejoice in their Maker; let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise His name with the dance; let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp. For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation.”

God delights in His children who have put their faith and trust in Jesus alone.

Back Door

This is one of the lies that the enemy used to put a wedge between God and me.  The lie was: “You must have ways of escape if God’s way doesn’t work.  There is too much pain!”  You need to have a Back Door.

The truth is that all God’s ways work.  God has given us His Holy Word, the Bible, to guide us through life in this fallen world.  He has also given us His Son, Jesus Christ, the God Man, fully God and fully Man, to be our Savior and our Good Shepherd, to guide us through this “vale of tears” and “the valley of the shadow of death”.

The truth is that God will never let the pain get to be too much for us.  He understands our frame … He remembers that we are dust.  Pain is actually ablessing.  That was one of the bad things about leprosy.  It was a disease that deadened the pain receptors.  A man with leprosy could lay his hand on a hot stove and not know that he was damaging a part of his body.  Pain tells us that something is wrong and that it needs attention.

Jesus Christ, our Savior, is willing to walk us through the pain, so that we can see what is wrong and correct it.  So, when I face a painful situation, I invite Jesus to help me walk through it and learn from it.  Isaiah the prophet, in chapter 61, records the future words of Jesus: “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners …”

Instead of seeking a Back Door, God wants us to dedicate and commit ourselves to Him.  Paul, the Apostle, in Romans 12, says: “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

The Apostle Peter wrote, “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.”

The Female Idol

It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I first saw the female idol in my heart.  With the help of the enemy, I created it early in the first decade of my life.   I was five years old … pretty young.  It was fashioned as a composite of all the beautiful and safe women that I knew as a small child.  The female image was tall and stood on the plain of my heart.  It was hollow and contained thousands of niches that housed all the feminine personalities that I had met or seen in my lifetime.

Often when I tried to get close to God … I was distracted by the female idol.  I turned aside and gave worship to a false image, rather than worshipping the true and living God.  This was very grievous to me, but I could not seem to help it.  I was entrapped by the feminine idol … engaging in cross dressing whenever I could … viewing internet pornography to strengthen the female image … fantasizing about being a girl or a woman as I went to sleep … dreaming of having Sex Reassignment Surgery and voice and deportment training … always trying to comfort and console myself with what seemed safe.

But Jesus wanted me to come to Him for safety and security … He knew that the female idol was hurting me … keeping me from a beautiful and glorious close relationship with the true and living God … my awesome and holy Creator.

Once I realized that the female idol was there, I was greatly concerned.  It took me a while before I started doing the right thing.  I started praying that Jesus would help me to tear down the female idol.  I knew that I could not do it myself.  I needed His divine help.  He was my faithful High Priest and fully understood why I had created that false and idolatrous image in my youth.  There were reasons why I had made that idol to protect me.  After several years, Jesus broke down the idol and planted a garden of remembrance there.  Suddenly, I was free of my enslavement to the transsexual/transgender lifestyle … I stopped fantasizing … I stopped visiting the websites … I stopped cross-dressing … I stopped abusing myself with masturbation … I stopped wishing for Sex Reassignment Surgery and hormonal treatment … I finally could thank God for the way He had made me.  I could look in the mirror and smile at the person I saw.  It was wonderful to be free of the idolatrous image that shackled me to a future that scared me to death.

Connecting Dots

When I was a child there were books that had games and puzzles in them.  One of my favorite puzzles was making pictures from a series of numbered dots.  If one took a pencil and drew lines from one, then two, then three, and so on, the series of lines formed a picture that one could recognize.

There is a reason, or reasons, that you are struggling with the issue of transgenderism.  I could tell you the reasons for which I groped for so long, the answers for which I searched.  However, it is not my place to tell you.  It could prove harmful to give you those reasons if God does not yet have all the truth and helpful people in place around you. And my reasons may not be your reasons.

I encourage you to ask your Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to show you what are your reasons for pursuing the transgender lifestyle so intently.  Why do you want to be a woman, when God created you to be a man?  Why do you want to be a man when God created you to be a woman?  The true cause(s) will surprise you when God reveals the dots and you connect them.  Your reason for wanting to be a woman may have come “in utero” or after birth.  For many years I believed that I was a woman trapped inside a man’s body.  I was totally relying on my feelings and emotions … but I wasn’t in possession of all the facts.  It proved to be a lie foisted upon me by the enemy and the world (see “The Big Lie”).

The truth is that God made a good and right decision when He determined the gender that you should be.  The first chapter of Genesis records God’s creative work: “So God created man in His own image: in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”  God’s wise and creative work was not finished with Adam and Eve … He went on to specially create each and everymember of the human race. The psalmist David said of his Creator, “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.  I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.  My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.  Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.  And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.”  Psalm 139:13-16

Try to get God’s way of thinking into your mind and heart … you are who you are.