All posts in Suicidal Thoughts

Emergency Tool Kit

By Victor on

If you are struggling with transgenderism, and maybe with suicidal thinking, you need to have an emergency tool kit. It is something small that you carry with you at all times. The kit can be a piece of paper folded in your wallet or it can be in your “memo” app on your phone.

The following items are what I suggest that you have inside your emergency tool kit. You may think of other things that would be of help.

1) Suicide Hotline Number: if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, you need to have an emergency number that you can call to talk to someone who has been trained to help you. The phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. If this is a frequent temptation, go ahead and put the number in your phone contacts.

2) Reasons Not To Do Harm: list family, friends, God’s honor, etc.

3) Emergency Contacts: this may include your counselor (if he will give you his cell phone number), your pastor, friends that you can trust, family you can trust. If these people can pray with you over the phone, that can be a big help. They also need to be able to speak God’s truth to you, and have you repeat it, acknowledge the truth out loud. Maybe these are numbers that you have in your phone, but have them in a list if you have several contacts. You call if you are tempted to go shopping or hurting yourself.

4) Fun Places to Go: I really enjoy going to discount used book stores and to antique shopping malls. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I enjoy going to a café and having a cup of coffee and a sandwich. Have a list of things you like to do. I enjoy reading … I collect books. I also collect fossils and amber. But, sometimes getting out of the house is necessary and maybe calling a friend to do something together on the spur of the moment is needed. Have a plan, several plans, to distract yourself.

5) Helpful and Comforting Scripture: keep a list of Bible verses that help you when you are tempted to act out. Include verses that comfort you and help you know that Jesus is with you. Anxiety/stress often leads to sin. Talk to Jesus about it … tell your Heavenly Father.

6) Copy of This Website’s Contents: feel free to print any of the content form this site to help you remember the things that have been discussed. Please your God.

Twelve-Step Groups

By Victor on

After I tried committing suicide, after I went to the psychiatric hospital … someone suggested that I attend a twelve-step group that was geared toward men with sexual addictions. I went a few times, but then I stopped, and here is why I stopped.

My best analogy for being in a twelve-step group … and this was only my experience … was that it was like being in a cess pool, a sanitary waste dump.

If you’re in a 12-step group, please don’t take offense … this was my own personal experience and I will go on to explain what I mean in a kind way.

  • Issue one: twelve-step groups are not a safe place. There was no one who was mature enough to take leadership and set boundaries and make sure that it was safe for everyone. The men in the group were all struggling with sexual addictions, and some of them were predators, and I even had one fellow who approached me and wanted to get my contact info so that he could get more information from me about being a transgender.
  • Issue two: the men in this group had little or no discernment about what they shared. They divulged details of evil things that they did … things that should never have been discussed in a group setting … maybe with a counselor or a close friend … but not in a group setting, not with people who are struggling themselves and who are very vulnerable. Here is a biblical reason why to not share such things: “For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret.” Ephesians 5:12 King David, in Psalm 101, says, “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me.”
  • Issue three: Twelve-step groups are a method devised by men, and the basic premise of it is not true confession of sin, but using shame as a motivator to control one’s own behavior. Shame is not a good motivator … it drags one down … it does not edify or build up in the faith.
  • Issue four: Twelve-step groups speak of a “higher power” … they do not profess knowledge of the true and living God, nor of Jesus Christ, who is the only One who can save and deliver one from sin.

Life with My Children

By Victor on

King Solomon, in Psalm 127, says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 128, immediately following, says, “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD.” The psalm ends with “Yes, may you see your children’s children.”

Part of me knew that I had a great gift from the LORD in my children, but I didn’t love them like I should have … I tried to take my life … I dreamed of leaving them and becoming a post-op transgender. Oh, I had silly dreams of coming to visit them as their second mom, but, really … what would I have done to them?

Jesus, in Matthew 18:2-6, sets a little child in the midst of His disciples, and says, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” This is a very serious warning from Jesus.

Thankfully, none of my children ever saw me dressed or made-up like a woman. But they certainly could have. I was very foolish and cross-dressed while they were asleep in the house. They could easily have woken up … and they would have been frightened and devastated … not at all understanding why their father was acting so strange.

Please do not put your children at risk. Do not cause them to stumble. Jesus has given you a very serious warning … the consequences are dire if you do not heed His words. If you have caused your children confusion, dismay, anger, please seek God’s forgiveness … your children’s forgiveness … your spouse’s forgiveness.

Free PDF: The Godly Man’s Picture, Thomas Watson, Puritan Paperbacks, 1992.

Suicidal Thoughts

By Victor on

As was touched on at the beginning of this website, suicidal thinking is a fairly common temptation for those dealing with transgenderism. I can tell you right up front, that if you give into this temptation, that comes from the tempter, Satan, that it will become an even greater temptation after your first attempt. There is something about crossing that line of self-harm that leads to further suicidal emoting. So, just don’t go there if you can help it. Call upon Jesus for help.

If you need to, check yourself into a safe place, like a psychiatric hospital. But, I can tell you that it is not a fun place to be. It was an awful feeling … being locked up and confined. Signing those papers during admission was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But if you need to do it for your safety, do it.

Have someone safe that you can call if you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts. Talk through what you’re feeling, why you are in despair. There are emergency hotlines on which you can call to talk to someone that has been trained to help you move away from harm. It helps to talk to someone that is calm, soothing and level headed.

Sometimes it can be beneficial to make a list of all the reasons that you should not harm yourself. I include loved ones, friends, even non-Christians who would be hurt by my inappropriate action. The Bible is very clear that you are not to do yourself harm, either by making an attempt on your life, or by cutting, or bruising, or any other type of self-inflicted injury. Paul, in 1 Corinthians 6, says, “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

When I tried to take my life, I first attempted to do it on someone’s birthday … I really wanted to hurt him … but I didn’t know why I was so angry with him. Jesus eventually showed me why I had issues with this man, and it was the beginning of getting free from my bondage to transgenderism. God also used the story of the Philippian jailer to help me … Paul cries out to the jailer, in Acts 16, “Do yourself no harm, for we are all here.” The “we are all here” reminds me that God is with me always and that there are lots of loved ones and friends surrounding me.

If you are all alone, learn to make friends who will care for you.

About Medications & PTSD

By Victor on

Because of one of the reasons that Jesus showed me why I struggled with transgenderism or being effeminate, I was diagnosed as having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Soldiers with “shell shock” and memories of “the horrors of war” are among those diagnosed with PTSD.

One of the components of PTSD is depression, which I previously talked about. Other manifestations can be startle responses, hypervigilance, flashbacks to something bad, triggers that bring back an unpleasant memory, concentration problems, recklessness, self-destructive behavior, sleep problems, persistent negative emotions (e.g. fear, guilt, shame), or distorted blame of self or others for trauma.

Certain medications can be helpful in dealing with depression and/or PTSD. It is good to consult with a psychiatrist and have him/her prescribe an appropriate medication for your particular needs. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI), and other antidepressants are among the possible medications used.

It is important to obtain a good balance with the medication, so that the symptoms are reduced, but functionality is not diminished. Your doctor will be able to work with you on this.

Also, medication is not the cure-all. Meditating on Scripture, speaking the truth to yourself, taking every thought captive in obedience to Christ, being with good friends, keeping yourself accountable to a friend, keeping active, doing physical exercise, eating balanced meals, listening to godly music … just all the things that tend toward a healthy and balanced life … do those things. Don’t decide on your own that you’re going off medication … be sure to work with your doctor.

If you have trouble remembering things … like taking your meds or remembering whether you took them or not … get a medication dispenser that has the days of the week on it, and a box for each time of day. You will just need to take a little time on Saturday evening, at the end of the week, filling the dispenser.

“Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, and strength to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8

The Fountain

By Victor on

If you are a true believer in Jesus Christ, you have great hope.  How can you know for sure that you belong to Christ?  The Apostle John, in First John, says, “And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.  He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.”

Soon after my attempt to take my life, after the psychiatric hospital, after the time with the man who took me through the book of Ephesians, showing me who I really was “in Christ” and the battle with the enemy, God showed me what my heart was like.  It was no longer the heart of the wicked in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”  No longer could it be said, “The sin of Judah is written with a pen of iron; with the point of a diamond it is engraved on the tablet of their heart …”

Instead, God said of my heart, in Jeremiah 31, “Behold, the days are coming, says the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah … this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the LORD: I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”  Instead of sin being written on my heart, God’s Word was written there.

In John six, Jesus says, “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing.  The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life.”  In John seven, Jesus says further, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”  The next verse says what the “living water” is.  “But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive …”  So, the Spirit is like a “fountain” and “rivers” in the center of our heart, just like the fountain and rivers that flowed from the Garden of Eden.

Luke eight says, “These are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart …”  This new heart is something that I will talk further about.  It is God’s creation.  It is not of our own doing or efforts.  Matthew 12 says, “The good man out of his good treasure brings forth what is good.”  Again, this is all to the glory of God, who has called us out of the darkness and into His marvelous light.

God’s Delight

By Victor on

It was soon after I had gone to the psychiatric hospital, after I had tried taking my life, that God told me something wondrous and totally beyond belief. My wife took me to see a Christian man who had spoken to me the day of my suicide attempt. I had taken the phone from my wife and had heard him say amazingly comforting words … soothing words … I can’t remember what they were, but they brought such peace and hope to my heart. I wanted to talk to him again. So, here was my opportunity … I had a full work week with this dynamic and loving man.

When I met with this godly man, it was not the darkness that I was under in the psychiatric hospital. Light was in this man’s eyes, when I could get myself past the shame and look into his face. The first place that he took me in the Holy Scriptures was Psalm 18. I wasn’t prepared for the strength of the verses he read to me … it almost knocked me over.

Verse 16-19 … “He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.”

How could God possibly delight in me? I felt so dirty and ashamed … so unworthy. But yet, God said, “He delivered me because He delighted in me.” This was because when God looked at me, He saw Jesus, the precious Lamb of God, without stain of sin or blemish of rebellion. God Himself had taken the hyssop and dipped it in the blood of Christ, then painted the door posts and the lintel of my heart, so that the angel of death would pass over me. I was floored by the mercy of my Almighty God. I stood in awe of His splendor. I worshipped my King and my Lord, “King of Kings and Lord of Lords”. Revelation 19:16

Again, in the Psalms, Psalm 149, God says: “Let Israel rejoice in their Maker; let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise His name with the dance; let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp. For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation.”

God delights in His children who have put their faith and trust in Jesus alone.

Be Safe

By Victor on

The following quote is from the executive summary of a paper by Ann P. Haas, Ph.D. and Philip L. Rodgers, Ph.D., American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and Jody L. Herman, Ph.D. Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law January 2014:

“The prevalence of suicide attempts among respondents to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS), conducted by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and National Center for Transgender Equality, is 41 percent, which vastly exceeds the 4.6 percent of the overall U.S. population who report a lifetime suicide attempt, and is also higher than the 10-20 percent of lesbian, gay and bisexual adults who report ever attempting suicide. Much remains to be learned about underlying factors and which groups within the diverse population of transgender and gender non-conforming people are most at risk.”

Because the rate of suicide attempts is so high among the transsexual/ transgender population, I want to start off with an admonition to not try and harm yourself.  You may be in despair and hurting greatly, but I am here to tell you that there is great hope.  As Jeremiah the prophet said, “Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You.”  Jeremiah 32:17

I understand how dark it can get.  I tried taking my life.  When I was so intent on killing myself, God whispered in my mind, “You are playing into the enemy’s hands.”  But I said, “I don’t care!” and proceeded to carry out my plan.  My Heavenly Father graciously intervened, and my plan failed.  It is good, because I really did care, but I was in so much emotional pain and had listened to so many lies that I despaired of life.  I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital until God could speak further truth to me when I was ready to listen.

Jesus said, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”  This “thief” that Jesus spoke of is also called “the father of lies” or Satan.  He was in the garden of Eden and spoke lies to Eve, tempting her to think wrongly of God, to think wrongly of herself.  Satan and his minions came to me as a child when I was hurting greatly … they spoke their hateful lies to me, intent on destroying me.