Review of Key Ideas for Transgender Struggles

Here are some of the key thoughts to dealing with the sin of effeminacy and transgender temptations. They are not in order of importance, but are all given to you in love.

  1. Do not harm yourself … there is hope … your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit … you are not your own … Jesus bought you with His precious blood.
  2. God created you in your God-given gender … you will always be your birth gender, even if you change your appearance … you cannot change your chromosomes … there are many SRS reversal surgeries taking place … start thanking God for how He wisely chose to create you.
  3. Ask Jesus to show you the reason(s) your gender identity is confused … ask Him to heal any broken-heartedness.
  4. Ask Jesus to show you if there is a feminine idol in your heart, and, if so, ask Jesus to help you destroy it.
  5. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you know what to repent of … coveting, idolatry, stealing, adultery (sexual immorality), etc. (Exodus 20, Deuteronomy 5) … cross-dressing (Deuteronomy 22:5) … emasculation (Deuteronomy 23:1) … effeminacy (1 Corinthians 6:9 NASB)
  6. Stay clear of the places that cause you trouble … go around … use available software like “Covenant Eyes” to stay away from problem websites.
  7. Have an accountability partner who will help you to make right decisions and hold you accountable … ask you how you’re doing.
  8. Ask God to break any unhealthy soul ties … any ancestral iniquities.
  9. Begin reading God’s word every day … try reading “Daily Light” … get God’s word into your mind … it matches what He’s written on your heart.
  10. Be in a Bible believing church … preferably “reformed” … you are not to walk alone … seek out wise and compassionate “saints” to walk with you.
  11. Choose a good and wise counselor … one who will help you with “renewing your mind” (Romans 12:1-2) with God’s word and pray for you.
  12. Make Jesus Christ your Lord, your best friend … obey Him.
  13. It is all of grace … put on “God’s Armor” … stand firm … speak truth.
  14. Pray to your Heavenly Father (see the post “Prayer”) in Jesus’ name.
  15. Take every thought captive in obedience to Christ (2 Cor. 10:3-5).
  16. You’re a “saint”, a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17) … your spirit is willing.
  17. You have a new identity “in Him” (Ephesians) … you are not a TG.

Putting Off / Putting On

Transgenders: Putting off the old man, and putting on the new.

For those of us with transgender struggles, we understand the concept of putting off one set of clothes and putting on another set. It’s something that seems to come naturally to us. The Apostle Paul uses the same kind of language when he talks about our need to shed the old and put on the new.

In Ephesians 4, Paul says, “if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind …” So, as Christians, disciples of Jesus, we are to “put off … the old man”. Who is “the old man”?

We need to go to Romans 6, where Paul says, “For if we have been united together in the likeness of His (Christ’s) death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.” The “old man” is our old sin nature, which is described in Jeremiah 17: “The sin of Judah is written with a pen of iron; with the point of a diamond it is engraved on the tablet of their heart.” But, when God took away our heart of stone (see Ezekiel 36:25-27), He gave us a heart of flesh, on which He says He has written His law (Jeremiah 31:33).

If we are supposed to “put off … the old man”, then what are we to “put on”? The Apostle Paul tells us, “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” Romans 13:14

We need God to help us in this. As part of my morning prayer, I say out loud, “LORD God, I put off the old man, and I put on the Lord Jesus Christ.” This is an act of the willing spirit within me, that I make in faith upon God’s grace at work in me. I also put on “the whole armor of God” (see the page “God’s Armor”). This is not something magical, but an act of faith and obedience.

“The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore, let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.” Romans 13:12

“I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness …” Isaiah 61:10

Two Jury Trials and a Dream

We can trust that God is sovereign, that He loves us, and He will lead us.

The Trials

After Jesus had revealed the two reasons why I was struggling with gender dysphoria … on two separate occasions … He had me selected for jury duty and assigned to a trial. When I heard the case announced in the first trial, I said to God, “God, I can’t be here … this is too much for me.” But I instantly heard His voice, “You need to be here … this is for your good … you will be selected.” And I was selected. I was even chosen to be the foreman. Yeah … I had to be honest with my fellow jurors … and, yes, I even cried … but everything was okay. I helped those men and women who were deliberating to discern what was the right verdict in both of those cases.

The Dream

When I was thirteen, when I started cross-dressing, I had a nightmare one night. I was inside a Victorian house, in the foyer. The leaded glass entry door was behind me … a staircase was on my right … ahead of me was a table with a large open book (the Bible) … and to my left was an opening into the sitting room (living room). I went through the doorway on my left … into the sitting room … and all of a sudden the furniture started walking and talking to me … I turned and fled from the house … out through the front door. I was under a large oak tree and, looking up, I saw hundreds of sinister eyes looking down at me … they were demons wanting to devour me. I awoke screaming. This dream reoccurred several times and God used it to help me work through some of the bad things that happened to me. As time progressed more of the house … its hidden rooms … became visible … and Jesus brought more healing.

God is Sovereign

All this is to say that God will bring along events, maybe even dreams, to help you work through your issues … He is a sovereign God … in control of all things.

To give one more example … I was with my wife and some friends at a coffee shop. We were having a meeting at a table outside. Our time together was drawing to a close, and I was looking down at my notes. All of a sudden, I heard three loud pops in rapid succession. I looked up, and I saw a man standing on the sidewalk, firing a handgun diagonally across the street at someone who was out of my line of sight. When he was finished he turned and walked toward us, still holding the pistol at his side. I felt terribly threatened. God used this incident to help me resolve having been threatened with a revolver when I was younger … it was connected to one of my reasons.

Trusting Men

Do you struggle in trusting men (or women)?

When I was a child, when I was a teenager, a college student, a married man … I was in a lot of denial … it was like I had a slide tray and I took out all the bad slides … so that my slide projector (some of you may not know what that is … do an Internet search) only showed good pictures.

For some strange reason, I hated men with a passion, and I hated my own male body, particularly my genitalia. Why? Well, it was when I was sitting in my counselor’s study that Jesus suddenly showed me. It took my breath away … I was stunned … it couldn’t possibly be … I suddenly blurted out loud to my counselor what had happened. It explained everything … why I was so intent on changing my apparent gender.

“Brute Beasts”

Some men are “evil beasts” (Titus) and “brute beasts” (Jude), but not all men are like that. It took me quite a while to differentiate between bad men and safe men. Even so, God says that we are not to fear men … “The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Understanding one of the chief reasons for my gender dysphoria was helpful, but it didn’t solve my problem with my God-given gender right away. I was angry, real angry … even bitter. I had to work through a lot of issues with particular men in my life (see the page “Forgiveness”), and I had to be honest with God about how I felt about Him (I still had no right be angry with Him, read The Crook in the Lot, Thomas Boston, Soli Deo Gloria, 2001.) … why He allowed certain things to happen … a tremendous amount of lies to work through. It was only until Jesus took down the feminine image in my heart (see the page “The Female Idol”) that I was totally free inside.

But, still, one must make an attempt to speak the truth about men. Not all men are bad. Jesus says in Matthew 12:35, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure [of his heart] brings forth evil things.” There are men who are safe.

But there has to be balance even here (see the page “Balance”). God says, “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes.” Our ultimate trust needs to be in God, but we need to have a level of trust in good men, just realizing that we will be disappointed sometimes … saints are still human.

The Sin of Pride

James, the half brother of Jesus, says in James 4, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Pride was the sin that Satan was guilty of when he rebelled against God and took a third of the angels with him. He wanted to be like God. Isaiah the prophet says in Isaiah 14, “How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning … for you have said in your heart: ‘I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God … I will ascend above the heights of the clouds, I will be like the Most High.’ ”

In my determination to be transgender, I was guilty of the sin of pride. I thought that I knew better than God … thought I knew what gender I should have been … thought I was wiser than God. I was so proud of my ability and skill to transform myself into an image of a woman. We can be so arrogant and haughty in our ability to “pass” as a female. I was also so proud of my knack for “reading” other transgenders. I have repented and turned from these attitudes of superiority (see the page “Repentance vs. Practicing Sin”).

The book of Proverbs speaks a great deal about the sin of pride. In Proverbs 8, God speaks through Solomon, “I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge and discretion. The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverse mouth I hate.” Proverbs 11 says, “When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom. The integrity of the upright will guide them, but the perversity of the unfaithful will destroy them.” Please note here that there are two kinds of people being talked about … the “upright” or those who are righteous through Christ Jesus … and the “unfaithful” who are unbelievers. If you are “upright” you will have integrity in the new heart that Jesus gave you, and you will turn or repent of the sin of pride … because you see how awful it is in God’s sight.

The sin of pride extends so much further than our thoughts, actions and attitudes relative to the transgender lifestyle that our weak flesh is attracted to. It creeps into every area of our life that we are withholding from God … saying in effect, “I know better than You, God, what to do with my life.”

Read all of Psalm 131 and meditate on it. It is very short, but powerful. It starts, “LORD, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty …” Pray for this.

Emergency Tool Kit

If you are struggling with transgenderism, and maybe with suicidal thinking, you need to have an emergency tool kit. It is something small that you carry with you at all times. The kit can be a piece of paper folded in your wallet or it can be in your “memo” app on your phone.

The following items are what I suggest that you have inside your emergency tool kit. You may think of other things that would be of help.

1) Suicide Hotline Number: if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, you need to have an emergency number that you can call to talk to someone who has been trained to help you. The phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. If this is a frequent temptation, go ahead and put the number in your phone contacts.

2) Reasons Not To Do Harm: list family, friends, God’s honor, etc.

3) Emergency Contacts: this may include your counselor (if he will give you his cell phone number), your pastor, friends that you can trust, family you can trust. If these people can pray with you over the phone, that can be a big help. They also need to be able to speak God’s truth to you, and have you repeat it, acknowledge the truth out loud. Maybe these are numbers that you have in your phone, but have them in a list if you have several contacts. You call if you are tempted to go shopping or hurting yourself.

4) Fun Places to Go: I really enjoy going to discount used book stores and to antique shopping malls. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I enjoy going to a café and having a cup of coffee and a sandwich. Have a list of things you like to do. I enjoy reading … I collect books. I also collect fossils and amber. But, sometimes getting out of the house is necessary and maybe calling a friend to do something together on the spur of the moment is needed. Have a plan, several plans, to distract yourself.

5) Helpful and Comforting Scripture: keep a list of Bible verses that help you when you are tempted to act out. Include verses that comfort you and help you know that Jesus is with you. Anxiety/stress often leads to sin. Talk to Jesus about it … tell your Heavenly Father.

6) Copy of This Website’s Contents: feel free to print any of the content form this site to help you remember the things that have been discussed. Please your God.

Money Issues

Struggling with the issue of transgenderism, I really misused money. I broke the eighth commandment, “You shall not steal.” Every time that I went to stores to buy clothes, makeup, wigs, shoes, jewelry, etc., I was stealing from God. It wasn’t my money to spend as I chose … but, rather His money that He had entrusted to my care. I was to be a good steward of all that He had given me to use for His glory and honor … not on my fleshly lusts.

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” 1 Timothy 6:10

I loved money for what it could get me that would take away my pain, comfort me, calm me down … it was an idol, so I was breaking the first and second commandment as well. If I had had enough money, I might have yielded to the temptation to actively pursue SRS and hormonal treatments. Thankfully, God did not give me that much money, and He also surrounded me with wife, children, and friends that I could not bring myself to betray.

In the gospels, Jesus has much to say about money and stewardship. Proverbs is another book that speaks to financial matters. Following are some basic thoughts about the use of money. More information can be found on-line.

1) We should regularly tithe to the Lord from our income. Some see this as ten percent, some even twenty percent. My wife and I have committed ourselves to giving ten percent. Jacob, in Genesis 28, says to the Lord, “And this stone which I have set as a pillar shall be God’s house, and of all that You give me I will surely give a tenth to You.” Study tithes and offerings.

2) Jesus, in Matthew 6, says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Here is a promise that if we put God first in our lives, He will provide everything that we need. We are to use money for God’s honor and glory.

3) I highly recommend developing a budget to guide you in your monthly expenditures and stay within your means. Putting some into savings is recommended. If you need to, cut up your credit cards.

4) Getting out of debt is important. My wife and I are almost out of debt.

Going to Sleep

Going to sleep each night was one of the most vulnerable times for me. It was primarily the time that I was tempted to fantasize about myself being a woman. I was alone with my thoughts, and it was where I would naturally turn to feel safe and secure as I went to sleep.

Yet, I was divided … there was a longing, a yearning, a deep desire to talk to God (see the page “Prayer”). I seemed to have a recollection of my childhood, wanting to know that God was near, not far away. But trying to reconnect with that youthful remembrance was very elusive, like I could not get there.

I wanted to talk to my Heavenly Father before I fell asleep. I wanted to tell Him about all my troubles, my stress, my fears, the things that scared me, even terrified me. Why would I so quickly give up on my child-like faith that He was my safety and security. Why would I so easily turn to my fantasies as a way of escape from reality? Why did I choose transgenderism over a relationship with my God? It didn’t make any sense. My eternal relationship with Almighty God was far more important than my transitory struggles with my gender.

There is an interesting story in the book of 1 Samuel. It is about the little boy Samuel. This was before the time that Israel started to have kings, like King Saul, King David, and King Solomon. It says in 1 Samuel 3, “Now the boy Samuel ministered to the LORD before Eli.” Eli was a priest of the LORD, but the LORD was not pleased with Eli, because he was not correcting and restraining his sons, who were also priests, from doing evil and wickedness.

It was “… while Samuel was lying down, that the LORD called Samuel, and he answered, “Here I am!” But he was confused … he thought Eli was calling him. He went to Eli three times as the LORD called to him, and Eli finally perceived that the LORD was talking to the boy. Eli told Samuel, when He calls to you, say, “Speak, LORD, for your servant hears.” Samuel and God talked.

When we go to bed at night is an excellent time for us to commune with God. Psalm 4 says, “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 63 says, “When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches.” Let us leave our fantasies and cling to God alone. He alone can keep us safe and secure.

Selecting a Counselor

Psalm 119:24 says, “Your testimonies also are my delight and my counselors.” So, the Holy Scriptures are our counselors. Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” And godly men are to be our counselors. In Isaiah 9:6, Jesus is called “Counselor” with a capital “C”. Jesus is to be our Chief Counselor.

How does one go about selecting a counselor to deal with issues of transgenderism or effeminacy? Well, I spent some time with my pastoral counselor and here is a short list of the qualities we agreed are essential. Ask Jesus to guide and direct you to the right man (or woman if FTM TG).

1) Your counselor should be a “born-again” Christian, with a biblical worldview, who exhibits the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The Bible should be his guide.

2) He should understand “Identity in Christ” as taught in the book of Ephesians. He should maintain that your God-given gender, the one you were born in, is the correct gender for you. “… just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love …” Ephesians 1:4

3) Your counselor should not just have head knowledge about the Scriptures, but an experiential life in Christ, one who practices “putting off the old man” and “putting on the Lord Jesus Christ”. He should be “taking up his cross daily and following Jesus.”

4) During my sessions, I regularly hear my counselor praying for me as I am crying and pouring out my heart to Jesus. Prayer should be an integral part of his ministry. I even have a prayer partner who is one of my best friends.

5) If your counselor has an understanding of transgenderism or effeminacy, that is a nice plus, but it is not essential. He can still counsel you as to what God’s word, the Bible, has to say on the topic. The key point is that he be able to teach you, disciple you, to follow Jesus Christ. The Christian life is much more than dealing with gender identity issues, while those are key.

6) “He makes counselors walk barefoot …” Job 12:17 (NASB) A good man is sensitive to the needs, feelings, emotions, heart, mind … he can empathize.

Choosing Friends

After you read this page, you might also want to read or review “Letting Others In”. The people that we have around us is very important, especially when we’re trying to break free of transgenderism. How do we go about choosing friends?

I’m going to start off with a Scripture that knocks out a lot of people … but there is balance required … Jesus related to sinners. We are to be in the world, but not of it. Read Psalm 1, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful …” So, we are not to be influenced by: 1) the ungodly, 2) sinners, 3) the scornful. We need to recognize their ability to influence us, avoid the wrong paths, and influence them for Christ instead.

Psalm 1 goes on to say, “… but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night.” We are to be influenced by God’s Word, the Bible, the Holy Scriptures (see the page “Reading the Bible”). But, you may say, “This is not a person … what does this have to do with choosing friends?” A lot. The Bible is our best friend … it is Jesus speaking to us. In the first verses of the book of John, Jesus is referred to as “The Word”. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God … And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” Choose Jesus to be your best friend. He stands at the door of your heart and knocks (see Revelation 3:20).

We started with Psalm 1 to answer the question, “How do I best choose friends?” Well, another helpful verse is found in Psalm 16: “As for the saints who are on the earth, “They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.” ” Why are saints or true Christians so special? God gives us several good reasons: 1) they have a new heart (see Ezekiel 36:25-27) or are “born-again” (see John 1:12-13 and 3:3), 2) they have the Holy Spirit living in them (see 1 Corinthians 6:19), 3) they have God’s law in their minds and written on their hearts (see Jeremiah 31:33).

You just need to have some discernment about who among your Christian friends you choose to confide in about your struggle with transgenderism. My advice is to keep it to just a few, six or eight maybe … mature believers, kind, loving, understanding, empathetic, having a Biblical worldview, steady, wise, etc.

MPD/DID: Disorder Issues

MPD stands for Multiple Personality Disorder. DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. When I was seeing a pastoral counselor, and I suddenly blurted out one of the reasons that I was struggling with transgenderism … well, it wasn’t too long before I asked my counselor, “Am I multiple?” And he answered, “Yes.”

Some Christians may have a problem with my use of MPD/DID … but, really the concept, even though it is recognized by psychology and psychiatry, is a Biblical one … God speaks in the Psalms of the “brokenhearted”, the “afflicted”, the “oppressed”, the “poor”. In the Gospels, Jesus talks about the “downcast”. People fit into these categories across a wide spectrum … some being severe.

I personally like the classification DID over the acronym MPD, because “Multiple Personality” might give the impression that there is more than one person inside; whereas DID speaks of “Dissociation” and “Identity” … only one person. We all dissociate … while driving and deep in thought, suddenly coming to the realization that we’re miles down the road and don’t recall paying attention to our driving.

If at some point in your journey with Jesus, you come to the realization that you are “multiple” or very “brokenhearted”, do not be alarmed. Bad things happen in this world … you see it in the news … and the Bible is very clear on the fact that we live in a fallen and sinful world … people do bad things to other people. Severe trauma results in splintering, fragmenting, splitting the mind and heart.

I basically have three systems inside: 1) Big Victor, 2) Little Victor, 3) Fairchild. Big Victor is the denial part of me, he’s the “person” that most people see, the one who functions in day-to-day operations. Everyone needs some denial to function properly. Little Victor contained alters or parts that were effeminate, like Victoria. It took a lot of counseling, journaling and time until all those confused parts were transformed to male parts. It took Jesus tearing down the idol (see the page “The Female Idol”). Fairchild is where all the pain resided, and this was the hardest system to access … took a lot of time and patience. But I praise God my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for helping me to be healed to a great extent, significantly “integrated” or “blended”, and functioning well.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

No Temptation

A very helpful verse of Scripture, when it comes to being tempted to cross-dress, or look at pornography, or fantasize about being a woman, or being tempted to sin in any way, is 1 Corinthians 10:13. Paul says, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

One helpful thing to remember is that the temptation that you are dealing with in a particular moment is “common to man”. Many people are dealing with it … something strange is not happening to you. In fact, that particular moment is an opportunity for you to pray for others who struggle with the same temptations.

Another promise to hold onto from this verse is that “God is faithful” and He “will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear”. God remembers that we are dust and He puts limits on the extent to which the tempter, Satan, can tempt us. If you read the first chapters of the book of Job, you will see that Satan could not do anything without God’s permission. It is the same for us.

The amazing thing about this verse is the promise, that God “will also make the way of escape” from the temptation. I personally believe that this “way of escape” is the opportunity to come directly into God’s throne room through prayer (see the page “Prayer”) and spend time with our Heavenly Father, through Jesus. Special times with God are waiting just on the other side of temptation. For more thoughts about resisting the tempter, see the page “God’s Armor”.

James, Jesus’ half-brother, wrote in James 1, “Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” Notice that enduring a temptation is an opportunity to show love to God. James goes on to say, “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone.”

The important thing to remember when you are tempted to sin, is that you are not alone … God is with you. David, in Psalm 38, bemoans his wretched condition, “For my iniquities have gone over my head, like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me … Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!”

Bruised Reed: Healing in Christ

You may not even realize how much you are hurting … I certainly didn’t for quite some time … but Jesus knew … yes, He knew better than anyone that I was in great pain. It wasn’t just because I considered myself to be a MTF transgender. There was much more to it … a lot more. But, Jesus is called the Great Physician. He healed countless people while He was on this earth, and He continues to heal people every day. He has healing for you.

“The LORD builds up Jerusalem (His Church); He gathers together the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:2-3

In Isaiah 42, the prophet who “saw the LORD sitting on a throne, high and lifted up …” says of Jesus, “A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench; He will bring forth justice for truth.”

Jesus will not take people who are “bruised” and break them. He will not take a person who is fainthearted … whose light is about to be snuffed out … and deal unjustly with them. He is not like that at all. He is gentle and humble with all who come to Him for salvation.

As I mentioned in the Introduction, one of my favorite Scriptures about Jesus is Matthew 11:28-30. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Again, Jesus is “gentle” and “humble” … He will deal with you in lovingkindness. In Psalm 18, the LORD comes to King David and delivers him from his foes … considers him “His delight” (verse 19) … and in verse 35, David says, “Your gentleness has made me great.” God knows that our path to greatness … becoming more like His beloved Son, Jesus … is not through rough treatment, but rather through His kind and loving care.

Just before verse 35, in verse 34, David says, “He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.” God knows that we are weak and hurting, but He will teach us how to deal with the enemy. Read the pages, “No Temptation” and “God’s Armor”.

Using Feminine Names

This page is an important one for those struggling with transgenderism. You may also want to read Your True Identity.

Victor is not my real name, but it is appropriate, because in Christ I am a victor, an overcomer. That is not to my credit … no reason for me to boast … but it is to the glory and honor of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who delivered me from the great bondage of transgenderism.

But, let’s just pretend that Victor is my real name. If I use it incorrectly, and think of myself as Victoria, then I am hurting myself. I am not speaking truth. I am speaking a lie. I did that with my own first name. But, beyond that, I had multiple names for different persona … I was in terrible bondage.

I strongly urge you, do not corrupt your name, do not feminize it. If you are an FTM, I urge you, do not masculinize your feminine name.

Names are very important. When God created Adam, our forefather, on the sixth and last day of creation, God brought all the animals to Adam for him to name them (see Genesis 2:19). “Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name.” It is interesting to note that God wanted “to see what he would call them.” God, in His foreknowledge, knew what Adam would name them, but He tells us this to help us understand that names are powerful and meaningful.

There was something about using a feminine name for myself that was “empowering” … in the wrong way. It reinforced the many lies that Satan and his demons had foisted upon me, to try to seal my fate.

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies (your whole being, your identity, your name) a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly …” Romans 12:1-3

Your True Identity

For those who truly know Christ, who really have a relationship with the Heavenly Father, through the atoning sacrifice and perfect life of Jesus … you have a new identity. For starters, you are a saint. No one who continually practices sin, a sinner, will be in heaven. The Apostle John, in Revelation 22, says, “But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie.”

But now that you are a saint, you have a new heart, and a new identity. You are in Christ (read the book of Ephesians and note where it says, “in Him”).

Let’s list some of the many new descriptions of yourself, since you are in Christ:

  1. You are an “overcomer”. See Revelation chapters 2 and 3.
  2. You are a “believer”. See Acts 5:14
  3. You are an “ambassador for Christ”. See 2 Corinthians 5:20
  4. You are “more than conquerors” through Him who loved us. See Rom. 8:37
  5. You are “the salt of the earth”. See Matthew 5:13
  6. You are “the light of the world”. See Matthew 5:14
  7. See the list of identities in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. Look at Matt. 5:3
  8. You are a “Christian”. See Acts 11:26
  9. You are a “disciple” of Jesus Christ. See Matthew 28:19
  10. You are a “friend” of Jesus, if you keep His commands. See John 15:14
  11. You are a “child of God”. See 1 John 3:1
  12. You are a “saint”, no longer a sinner … yes, you still sin, but you don’t practice sin … you are a new creature in Christ … see how the Apostle Paul addresses God’s people in his epistles, how many times King David refers to the saints in the Psalms (you can use to find any word in the Bible).

I am fairly certain that I have not exhausted the list of names for saints in the Bible, names that give the true identity of believers in Jesus Christ, the King and Head of the Church, the body of true believers. Now, an important point … it is time to stop thinking of yourself as a transgender … a transsexual. That is not your true identity … not if you are fighting it, resisting the evil one, Satan. Keep speaking the truth about yourself, and you will have greater freedom in Christ.

Twelve-Step Groups

After I tried committing suicide, after I went to the psychiatric hospital … someone suggested that I attend a twelve-step group that was geared toward men with sexual addictions. I went a few times, but then I stopped, and here is why I stopped.

My best analogy for being in a twelve-step group … and this was only my experience … was that it was like being in a cess pool, a sanitary waste dump.

If you’re in a 12-step group, please don’t take offense … this was my own personal experience and I will go on to explain what I mean in a kind way.

  • Issue one: twelve-step groups are not a safe place. There was no one who was mature enough to take leadership and set boundaries and make sure that it was safe for everyone. The men in the group were all struggling with sexual addictions, and some of them were predators, and I even had one fellow who approached me and wanted to get my contact info so that he could get more information from me about being a transgender.
  • Issue two: the men in this group had little or no discernment about what they shared. They divulged details of evil things that they did … things that should never have been discussed in a group setting … maybe with a counselor or a close friend … but not in a group setting, not with people who are struggling themselves and who are very vulnerable. Here is a biblical reason why to not share such things: “For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret.” Ephesians 5:12 King David, in Psalm 101, says, “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me.”
  • Issue three: Twelve-step groups are a method devised by men, and the basic premise of it is not true confession of sin, but using shame as a motivator to control one’s own behavior. Shame is not a good motivator … it drags one down … it does not edify or build up in the faith.
  • Issue four: Twelve-step groups speak of a “higher power” … they do not profess knowledge of the true and living God, nor of Jesus Christ, who is the only One who can save and deliver one from sin.

You Are Not Your Own

“For you were bought at a price…”

In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul, the Apostle that was knocked to the ground by the blinding Presence of King Jesus, says, “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

Can you accept this truth, this fact, that “you are not your own”? The reason is that God says, “you were bought at a price”. What was the “price”? The Apostle Peter, whom Jesus invited to walk on the water with Him, wrote in his first book, “And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; knowing that you were not redeemed (bought) with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.”

So, the “price” was “the precious blood of Christ”. This is why you are “not your own”. You therefore do not have the right to do with yourself what you wish. I myself did not have the right to dream and fantasize about subjecting this body to surgery, hormones, depilation, and more.

It is very well worth your time to think of Jesus Christ’s atoning work, redemptive work, on the cross (see the page “Glory in the Cross”). If you think that you chose Him, that you’re the one who decided to come to Christ, please think again in light of what the Scriptures say. Jesus says in John 15, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.” So, you did not choose Jesus, but He chose you.

God commanded Moses to have the people of Israel remember the Passover. When the people were in bondage in Egypt, one of the signs that the LORD performed was to have the angel of death pass over the Egyptians and the Israelites. The Israelites were forewarned, that if they used hyssop to paint the blood of the sacrificial lambs on their doorposts and lintels, the angel of death would “pass over” their homes and their firstborn sons would not die. Jesus has applied His precious blood to the door of your heart. He is the Lamb of God.

Beauty Is Passing

In Proverbs 31, King Lemuel records the wise words of his godly mother, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” For many of the MTF transgenders, physical beauty and attractiveness is a huge draw … we have trouble with lust, coveting, envy … but part of it may also be the comfort that we remember from our mothers … they were beautiful creatures in our youth. Be that as it may, this fallen and sinful world wants to conform us to its mold, Satan wants to ensnare us in his traps, and our weak flesh is easily attracted to outward beauty.

Proverbs 27 gives us the wisdom of Solomon, “Hell and Destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.” The Apostle John, in 1 John 2 says, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” The world is constantly bombarding us with sensual advertisements, featuring glamorous women, or what the world defines as beautiful. What we need to get into our hearts and minds is the fact that God defines “beauty” entirely different from the world and our flesh.

Every human being on the face of this planet, that ever existed, that is, or ever will be, is “beautiful” and has “worth” because they are created in the image of God. Nobody is plain in God’s sight. Everyone is an image bearer. Moses says in Genesis 1, “Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness …” ” Even those whose bodies and visages are marred by deformities … even they bear the mark of the Creator. It isn’t just the outer shell of our beings that is important … people aren’t objects … they are living souls with an eternal destiny … they have a mind, an intellect, a personality, a spirit.

We miss all this when we try to mess with our God-given gender. God created us as a complete package … body, soul, spirit, mind … He never intended that we should try to change any of it, no matter what we think might justify us doing so.

In Isaiah 40, the prophet says, “The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.” So, it is with physical beauty … it withers and fades away … “beauty is passing.”

None of our human “solutions” will last … no matter how hard we try to create a beautiful flower … the person we are trying to hide, cover up, will still be there.

Female-to-Male Issues

I must be crazy trying to write this page … scared to death … but I want to offer some hope to those who consider themselves to be Female-To-Male (FTM) transgenders. I come from the standpoint of a MTF transgender … know that pretty well … but I am going to take a stab at this … and I think I have the prompting of the Holy Spirit and His help.

I can’t prove it … but I have my suspicions that the varied reasons for MTFs is similar to the reasons for FTMs wanting to change their gender. It seems inconceivable to an MTF that an FTM would want to leave their beautiful state, but this points up a fact that MTFs should take careful note of, being in a woman’s body does not solve life’s many problems. By the same token, FTMs should take note that being a man does not solve everything either.

Again, as I have stated before, I am not going to put my two reasons for having wanted to be an MTF transgender out there … because I think it could hurt you if it is premature knowledge … Jesus needs to reveal those reasons … and my reasons may not be your reasons … don’t want to mislead you.

Anyway … I believe desire for two things is paramount for both MTFs and FTMs … safety and control.

Safety from what? Well, I’m not going to spell it out … but this fallen world is not a safe place … and there are “evil beasts” and “brute beasts” as Titus and Jude say (see the page “Escaping the Trap”). Everyone needs to be safe, but the only way to truly be safe in this sinful world is to be under the protection of Almighty God. He alone can deliver us from the dangers that we face.

Control of what? Evil and wicked men want to lord it over other men (or women). In our weak flesh, we all want to be in control of our circumstances and the people around us. But, really, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, is the only One who is in control. The many biblical and historical accounts bear this truth out. Read the story of God versus Pharaoh in Exodus. Who won?

If you are a female-to-male transgender, please ask yourself why you are so desperately seeking safety and control that you are willing to change your apparent gender.

God did not make a mistake with you … your God-given gender is the correct one.

I’m Alright…Nobody Worry

Kenny Loggins wrote a song, “I’m Alright”. The lyrics go, “I’m alright, nobody worry ‘bout me, you got to gimme a fight, why don’t you just let me be?”

As transgenders, we can vacillate back and forth between our alarm at what we’re doing to ourselves and keeping people at arm’s length who might try to help us … “I’m alright, just leave me alone!”

This is completely understandable … there is a war going on inside of us. In Galatians 5, the Apostle Paul tells us, “For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”

Jesus said, “Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41 “The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.” Because God has given us a new heart, we can’t continue in sin with impunity. It just isn’t our nature to be sinners … we’re now saints (see “The Heart of Each Saint”). The weakness of our flesh is why the Apostle Paul, in Romans 7, says, “I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man (the new heart). But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members (the flesh). O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

We are indeed very “wretched” and miserable if we persist in trying to pander to the desires of our flesh and totally ignore our spiritual condition in Christ. This was the case in the church at Laodicea. In Revelation 3, Jesus Christ tells the Laodiceans, “… you say, “I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing” – and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind and naked …” (See Dead to Sin, Alive to God.)

The picture of God and His holy saints, in Psalm 110, is of grass with morning dew, glistening brilliantly in the radiant light of the rising sun. “Your people shall be volunteers (willing) in the day of Your power; in the beauties of holiness, from the womb of the morning, You have the dew of Your youth.”

So, give attention to your spirit … you are “alive to God in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 6).

Life with My Children

King Solomon, in Psalm 127, says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 128, immediately following, says, “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD.” The psalm ends with “Yes, may you see your children’s children.”

Part of me knew that I had a great gift from the LORD in my children, but I didn’t love them like I should have … I tried to take my life … I dreamed of leaving them and becoming a post-op transgender. Oh, I had silly dreams of coming to visit them as their second mom, but, really … what would I have done to them?

Jesus, in Matthew 18:2-6, sets a little child in the midst of His disciples, and says, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” This is a very serious warning from Jesus.

Thankfully, none of my children ever saw me dressed or made-up like a woman. But they certainly could have. I was very foolish and cross-dressed while they were asleep in the house. They could easily have woken up … and they would have been frightened and devastated … not at all understanding why their father was acting so strange.

Please do not put your children at risk. Do not cause them to stumble. Jesus has given you a very serious warning … the consequences are dire if you do not heed His words. If you have caused your children confusion, dismay, anger, please seek God’s forgiveness … your children’s forgiveness … your spouse’s forgiveness.

Free PDF: The Godly Man’s Picture, Thomas Watson, Puritan Paperbacks, 1992.

Repentance Vs. Practicing Sin

John the Baptist was God’s “messenger” who would “… prepare the way of the LORD.” “Now after John was put in prison …” Jesus was saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent and believe in the gospel.” (See “The Gospel” on page 2.)
What does “repentance” or “repent” mean? It means to turn around, stop running from God toward your sin, start running toward God for your salvation.

Was I being repentant when I threw all my paraphernalia away and a few weeks later bought more stuff to aid me in seeing myself as a woman? In 1 Kings 18, Elijah the prophet asked the people of Israel, “How long will you falter between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.” I faltered between two opinions … I was a man who had doubts about God’s love … and James 1 says, “… he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind … he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” How many times did my loving wife need to forgive me? What about my loving Heavenly Father?

What I was struggling with was “… the sin which so easily ensnares [me] …” Hebrews 12:1 But, the Apostle Paul, in 2 Timothy 2, says, “… if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth.” What I needed was for God to “grant repentance” to me. I prayed earnestly for that and I also prayed that Jesus would tear down “the female idol” inside (see “The Female Idol”) … which He eventually did, to His honor and glory. As David says in Psalm 40, “He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps.”

For the past seven years, I have not turned back to the sin which so easily entangled me. God has granted me true and lasting repentance. I am no longer doubting God’s love for me, demonstrated through the gift of His dear Son, Jesus. “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 In Ezekiel 14 the prophet says, “Thus says the Lord GOD: “Repent, turn away from your idols, and turn your faces away from all your abominations.”

The Doctrine of Repentance, Thomas Watson, Puritan Paperbacks
What is Repentance?, R.C. Sproul, Crucial Questions, Reformation Trust

Life with My Wife

King Lemuel, remembering sayings which his mother taught him, in Proverbs 31 says, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. Her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

In the second chapter of Genesis, God instituted marriage, saying, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Jesus quoted this Old Testament reference, as He often did, in Matthew 19 and Mark 10. You can look at Ephesians 5 to see how the Apostle Paul says that, “the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.” This isn’t a very popular teaching today, but God instituted marriage to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Bride, His Holy Church.

Well, I knew that I was supposed to be loving my dear wife as Christ loved His chosen people, the people the Father had given Him. I took solemn vows before God and witnesses, that I would be faithful to her until death parted us. I was supposed to lay my life down for her. But, what was I doing? I didn’t even let her know that I struggled with transgenderism until years into our marriage. Even then, when I did tell her, I represented it as something that had happened in the past. That was very far from the truth … another bold-faced lie.

It eventually did come out when I started having difficulties with my parents. Something was seriously wrong there. So, I started seeing a Christian counselor at my wife’s recommendation. Wow! Was she surprised … and deeply hurt. It was like I was cheating on her … having an affair with another woman … and that was true … a woman of my own creation and imagination.

As I look back on it now, my wife was a real trooper, and she genuinely loved me, just as she had vowed at our wedding. Time and again, she forgave me for lying, my suicide attempt, cross-dressing, shaving my body, looking at porn, visiting strip clubs, reading TG stories, fantasizing, etc. She spoke the truth to me. She is just human, but the Spirit of the living God dwells in her … and we are one. She is priceless … far beyond the value of rubies. I owe her so much … I can never repay her … like I can never repay God for His forgiveness and lovingkindness in Christ.

Escaping the Trap: Seeing Gender Clearly

On the page entitled “Confusion and More”, I talked about how I sometimes dreamt of making love to a man as a post-op MTF transgender. While this was totally repulsive to me, I was still drawn to it. I hated men. Why I wondered. I wanted to destroy them. I wanted to control them … dominate them. I couldn’t imagine a better way to do it than by becoming an exotic dancer or a prostitute, a “Man Trap” as the Aussies say.

What was behind such desire? I couldn’t figure it out. Yet, even though it sickened me, my sometime fantasy still persisted. It was only when Jesus revealed the second of my two reasons for pursuing transgenderism, that it made any sense.

In the book of Titus, the Apostle Paul says, “One of them, a prophet of their own, said, “Cretans are always liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons.” ” What is meant by the term “evil beasts”? Another Scripture, this time in the book of Jude, who was a half-brother to Jesus, says, “But these speak evil of whatever they do not know, and whatever they know naturally, like brute beasts, in these things they corrupt themselves.” So, “evil beasts” and “brute beasts” mean something about some men. It doesn’t sound good.

Hopefully I am not giving you too much information, but I don’t think your minds will allow you to go there, unless Jesus has prepared you to see a particular possibility, if indeed it applies to you.

My problem was that I didn’t apply my hatred and distrust to “some” men … I applied it carte blanche to all men—the entire gender… Christian or non-Christian. And it wasn’t just their bodies and persona that troubled me … it was me, myself. I hated my own body and my own manly thoughts.

I even had trouble with the fact that Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth in the body of a male child, and then lived as an adolescent, as a man. He had male genitalia … how could I trust Him? Once I understood the reason for my choosing transgenderism as a means of escape, as a means of safety and security, then it all made perfect sense. Your reason may be the same as mine, and maybe not.

“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” John 10:27

Gender Confusion and More

I’ve talked some before about confusion regarding my gender, but God became very clear with me about my God-given gender, that He created me as a male, a man. But during that former gender confusion, I also had confusion about my sexuality. I vacillated back and forth between two ideas … two pictures of myself.

On the one hand, if I went through with SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) and the hormonal treatments, I would look like a woman … just what I wanted … but then I should naturally be paired up with a man as a mate. Right? Ugh! No! I hated men. I hated the male physique. Yet, even so, I pushed myself into men’s arms in my dreams. But this was a huge dilemma … in God’s eyes I would then be committing the sin of homosexuality, because in His sight I was still a man, even though I had had the surgery.

On the other hand, if I was a post-op transgender, then I would want to be with a woman. I would think of myself as a lesbian. But then, in God’s sight, I was committing adultery or fornication, because I was a man sleeping with a woman. Granted, my male productive organs would be gone, but at the core of my being I was still a man. Surgery wouldn’t change anything.

Crazy right? Really confusing. This is maybe a good time to talk about three states that dwell inside of you. All humans do this, to one degree or another. Denial … Confusion … Pain. We compartmentalize things. I think we all know what it is to be in denial about something. Let me tell you … I was in huge denial about myself … I blocked out huge chunks of my life, because some really bad things happened to me. Besides being in denial, I was in a lot of confusion, about my gender, about my sexuality, about my past. Confusion was where I went in my dreams, my fantasies, my cross-dressing, my trips to the Internet and strip clubs. But pain … oh, I did not go there … I could not go there. There was huge pain that was hidden under my denial and my confusion. What was I to do?

I had pain … mountains of it. The only way I could go near that pain was with Jesus at my side. I desperately needed Him to help me face it … to find healing. This was where journaling to Him helped immensely. I wrote my own psalms … not inspired like God’s Holy Word … but I poured out my heart and soul to Jesus … Oh, I praised/thanked Him as He gradually brought real healing to all three states.

Opportunities & Providence

Sometimes, God provides us with opportunities—are you paying attention to yours?

It all seemed to start when I was 13 years old. That wasn’t really the beginning of my story, as I would later find out. There was a television show … stupid show now that I look back on it … a young woman, scantly clad, was interacting with the main character, and, when she started speaking, her voice was the voice of a man. Dubbing in a man’s voice, the impression was given that there was a man inside of the girl. What a strange thought … but I was hooked by the bait that the producer and Satan had dangled in front of me.

It really clicked with me, and I began to fantasize that I was in the body of a girl. It wasn’t long before I was cross-dressing in my sister’s and my mother’s garments. I would stand in front of the mirror, mesmerized by the vision that I saw. Yet there was too much of me still visible. I wanted to disappear completely and be taken over by the girl.

I was very confused … why was I doing this? It really scared me … but I lived alone with it for years … I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I would dress, then feel guilty and ask God’s forgiveness, but it would not be long before I was dressing again. I went through the cycle of dressing and begging forgiveness countless times.

Then, when I was cross-dressing one day, my mother showed up unexpectedly. She caught me in her clothes. I was horrified … terrified … petrified. I begged her not to tell my father. She agreed, but a week later she came upstairs and told me that she just couldn’t keep it a secret … she was worried about me … she had told my dad, and he was waiting for me downstairs. I went into the kitchen and stood in front of him … he was shaving … he asked me if there was anything to this … and I told him a bold-faced lie. I said that I had just been horsing around, goofing off, having fun.

Maybe I missed an opportunity … the chance to come clean and say that I was confused and scared by my behavior. Would I have gotten the help that I sorely needed? Might my parents have steered me the right way? I believe, knowing what I know now about the causes of my inclination towards gender-bending, that God providentially waited until I had His truth and the right people around me. When God gives you His truth and good people, don’t miss the opportunity.

Jesus Took Our Shame

When I was bound up in transgenderism, I had to deal with significant shame. I told God that I could not imagine myself going to heaven and being comfortable there. I could only imagine the other saints looking down on me because I had struggled with being effeminate. I had a total misconception of heaven.

The Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 10, says, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” Note that Paul says that the particular temptations that we experience are “common to man”. What you are struggling with is not strange. Ask Jesus to show you why you are grappling with transgenderism. Knowing will help you immensely. Something happened to you, either “in utero” or after you were born that gave you this desire to be feminine.

Read the first couple verses of Hebrews 12. There the author of Hebrews says that Jesus, “… for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame …” Jesus was stripped naked, nailed to the wooden cross, and put on public display, in one of the most cruel and shaming methods of execution devised by wicked men. Jesus despised the shame that He was put through. He focused on the joy of redeeming a people for Himself and His Heavenly Father.

The psalmist David, in Psalm 69, speaks prophetically of Jesus talking to His Father while upon the cross, “You know My reproach, My shame, and My dishonor; My adversaries are all before You. Reproach has broken My heart, and I am full of heaviness; I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none. They also gave Me gall for My food, and for My thirst they gave Me vinegar to drink.” Jesus did not remain in His feelings of shame … He gave them to His Father in heaven. We need to follow Christ’s example for us and give our shame to God. Psalm 55 says, “Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

It is the wicked who will be put to shame. Bildad says in Job 8, “Those who hate you will be clothed with shame, and the dwelling place of the wicked will come to nothing.” The psalmist prays, “… O LORD, do not put me to shame!” Ps. 119:31

Man Traps

The term “Man Traps” comes from down under … Australia. It is a good description of women who lure men to commit adultery or fornication with them. These can be prostitutes, strippers, escorts, any woman who lures men with her body or eyes. There does not have to be intercourse for this to be wrong in God’s sight. Jesus said, in Matthew 5, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Any woman.

When I was trapped in the transgender lifestyle, I resorted to strip clubs and pornographic websites. I was still telling myself the lie that I was a woman trapped in a man’s body, and therefore I considered myself to not be lusting or committing adultery … but I was terribly wrong. God held me accountable. It didn’t matter that I felt safer around women than I did around men. It didn’t matter that I felt safer around naked women than clothed women. Jesus eventually showed me that I had made an idol of women and that I was using them to replace Him. My heart yearned for a right relationship with Jesus.

Solomon speaks wisely to his children, such as in Proverbs 5, “My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding, that you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge. For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is as bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell.” Don’t descend into this pit … hard to get out.

In the next chapter, Solomon says, “For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life, to keep you from the evil woman, from the flattering tongue of the seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, nor let her allure you with her eyelids. For by means of a harlot a man is reduced to a crust of bread; and an adulteress will prey upon his precious life. Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent.”

I am very careful now how I look at women, or don’t look. I think of them as God’s possession. I make careful movie selections. Job in Job 31 says, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?”

Dealing with Depression

Speaking from personal experience, having dealt with deep, dark depression, despair and disappointments, there is great hope. Psalm 23 speaks of “the valley of the shadow of death” and psalm 84 talks of “the Valley of Baca” or “the vale of tears”. If we are hidden in Christ, hidden in the cleft of the Rock, then we can say with the psalmist David, “The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” We can even say, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me …” This is the first key to going through depression … Jesus is with us. He told His disciples, in Matthew 28, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” This is a promise that we can hold onto. Jesus also says in Hebrews 13, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” This is so important to understand … the Presence of the LORD … He is always with us, even if we sin.

It is important to understand that a key component of depression is anger. This is why the Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 4, “ “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. “Be angry, and do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” Note that a certain kind of anger is allowed by God, but it needs to be without sin. It doesn’t mean that you can vent your anger in an uncontrolled fashion. Also, observe that you need to resolve your anger before you go to sleep at night, or before the sun goes down. If you don’t, you give Satan, the devil, an opportunity to build a stronghold. Note also, that speaking the truth to your neighbor and to yourself is the second key to staying balanced, and getting out of depression.

One of the persons that you may be angry with is God. You may want to go back to the page on keeping a journal. Journals are great for working through anger issues with anyone, and certainly with God. Are we right to be angry with God? Probably not. He is good in every way. But we need to come to terms with the fact that He allows evil and bad things in this fallen world. God can handle our anger toward Him, and He will help us resolve it rightly, if we ask for His help.

Micah, the prophet, says in chapter 7: “Therefore I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; when I fall, I will arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me.” Don’t be afraid of sitting in darkness … Jesus is with you … speak truth.

Reversal Surgeries

According to an interview with the Telegraph, world-renowned genital reconstructive surgeon, Miroslav Djordjevic, says his clinics are currently faced with an increase in “reversal” surgeries. The people requesting them are experiencing crippling depression and, in some instances, suicidal thoughts.

Severe depression and suicidal thoughts are not trifling matters. They are signs of something that is seriously wrong. What this rise in requests for reversal surgery points out is that SRS or Gender Reassignment Surgery is not a cure-all solution.

The Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 2, says, “that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” So, we are not to put our faith in the solutions that men come up with, what they devise with their own wisdom, not with God’s wisdom.

This is a significant truth that we need to pay close attention to, that men do not have the answers, only God knows the correct way. Jesus Christ said of Himself, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” John 14:6

Fallen men devise all sorts of ways, schemes, even religions to save and protect themselves, but Jesus is clear about the fact that He is the only way to safety and security (see John 14:6).

King Solomon gave the following counsel to his sons in Proverbs chapter 4, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Put away from you a deceitful mouth, and put perverse lips far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead, and your eyelids look right before you. Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established. Do not turn to the right or the left; remove your foot from evil.”

SRS or Gender Reassignment Surgery is an invention of men that cannot deal with the unseen issues of the heart and mind. Do not look to it for your safety and security. Ask Jesus to show you why you really are pursuing a change in gender. The reason(s) will surprise you and you will clearly see that SRS is not a solution.

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10

Also read: The Fear of God, John Bunyan

The Big Lie

One of the lies I had to deal with was, “I am a woman trapped in a man’s body.” It played inside for years. For some of you, the lie might be, “I am a man trapped in a woman’s body.” I have no doubt that something could have happened to you “in utero”, that predisposes you to believe this lie, but Jesus must show you this.

Such lies fly in the face of God’s truth in Genesis chapter 1, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Each person in this world is created by God as either male or female. Your God-given gender is God’s wise choice for you and me.

Typically, a baby’s anatomy shows what his or her gender is. There are a few who are born with sexual ambiguity. Several different terms are used to describe this condition: 1) hermaphrodism, 2) intersex, 3) Disorders of Sex Development (DSD).

A most helpful publication on this matter is Gender As Calling: The Gospel & Gender Identity, A Testimony of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, Crown & Covenant Publications (another good publication is The Gospel & Sexual Orientation, by the same publisher). These publications are safe and full of God’s grace.

It took me quite a while before I could begin to speak God’s truth for me about my God-given gender … His choice for me. But God’s Word is powerful. “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

Eventually, I could look in the mirror and smile at the person that I saw. I could even thank God for the way that He made me. I stopped asking the question, “Why did You make me this way?” One of the verses that God used was in Isaiah chapter 29: “Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; For shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”?” Finally, I could say, “But now, O LORD, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand.” Isaiah 64:8

Go Around

Even today, when I am out and about, I make conscious efforts to stay away from places that troubled me when I was struggling with transgenderism.  Yeah, maybe it means putting extra mileage on my car, but I am avoiding temptation by the evil one.

If you struggle with going to the wrong places on the Internet, pornographic sites, transgender sites, and anything else that tempts you, there is software available to help you.  One that I can recommend is called “Covenant Eyes”.  It is relatively inexpensive and will help you stay away from problematic websites.

If you struggle with going to strip clubs, you know where they are, so just avoid going down those streets … take an alternate route.  Solomon speaks wisdom when he says, in Proverbs 4, “Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of evil.  Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn away from it and pass on.”

If you struggle with buying the wrong sorts of clothes, cosmetics, wigs, etc., then avoid going near those places.  It helps to be accountable to someone that you trust, let them know where you are going and how long you will be gone.  Do everything that you can to be safe.

If you fail and do the wrong thing, get beyond your feelings of shame, and call someone that you’re accountable to and tell them of your failure.  “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Romans 3:23

I am accountable to my counselor, to my prayer partner, and to my wife.  You may shed some tears, but that is okay.

Don’t hide things.  Don’t have a hidden stash of paraphernalia.  Don’t lie.  Speak the truth.  King David, in Psalm 15, asks, “LORD, who may abide in Your tabernacle?  Who may dwell in Your holy hill?  He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart.”

The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6, “Flee sexual immorality.  Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.  Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?”

The Heart of Each Saint

Here is great news!  The believer in Christ does not have a “Jeremiah 17:9” heart, “deceitful” and “desperately wicked”.  The Lord gives the new believer a new heart.  “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17).  What is this new creation?  “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26).  This is something that God alone does, not us.

Jeremiah chapter 17 contrasts the wicked with the righteous.  Verses 1-6 depict the wicked.  Verses 7-8 picture the righteous.  What of verse 9?  “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked …”  Popular interpretation of this verse is to believe that it describes the heart of both the wicked and the righteous, but is that true?  How can a desperately wicked heart even begin to respond to the Spirit of God?

In Jeremiah chapter 31, verse 33, the LORD says, “… I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts …”  So, instead of “sin” (Jeremiah 17:1) being written on the believer’s heart, “God’s law” is written there … a big difference!

Jesus spoke of this difference between the righteous and the wicked, when He said in Matthew 12:35, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure [of his heart] brings forth evil things.”  In Matthew 7:17-18, Jesus said, “Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.”

But a child of His still sins.  Our new hearts are fashioned in the likeness of Christ’s own heart.  We are told by Christ, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  The flesh cannot accomplish the righteousness of God.  Nothing good dwells in our flesh.  The flesh is at war with the Spirit who lives in the heart of believers.  But, we are given hope.  We are now saints, not sinners.  Yes, we still sin, but we cannot practice it like sinners do.  We are more than conquerors through Christ … we are overcomers.  We bear good fruit as we abide in Christ and walk in the Spirit. When we do sin, we ask God to cleanse our heart, like David prayed in Psalm 51.

A word of caution … Proverb 28:26 says, “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered.”  Our heart is a creation and we are to trust in the LORD alone.

The heart is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit and our spirit; we are one.  We will walk in the Spirit, because we are willing in the day of Christ’s power (Psalm 110:3).  We are new creatures … everything is made new.  We are indeed saints, not sinners, as the New Testament writers conveyed in their epistle greetings.  Sinners practice sin.  But, because God is the One who cleanses and creates, we – His saints – can forsake a life of sinning by His grace … and practice righteousness.

Read the following: Keeping the Heart, John Flavel, Soli Deo Gloria, 1998.

True Worship

Jesus, speaking to the Samaritan woman at the well, says, “But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”  John 4:23-24

“Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.”  James 1:27

God graciously orchestrated events such that I was led to a “reformed” church that had its roots in the Reformation.  I could not have chosen a better place for myself. This was the place that I found my lovely wife-to-be.  She in turn would direct me to the counselors that would prove to be so helpful.

This church has proved a good place for me for the following reasons:

  1. Almighty God was presented as being omniscient (all knowing), omnipresent (everywhere present), and omnipotent (all powerful), just as the Bible teaches.  He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth.
  2. The Ancient of Days was also preached as being Sovereign (King over all) and Providential (in charge of all things).  Nothing happened without His express consent and will, not even the rebellious movements of Satan and his demons, just as the Bible teaches.  This truth was especially important after I learned the reasons why I was struggling with transgenderism.
  3. The Triune God was, is, and is to come, the One true and living God, three Persons in the Godhead: God the Father, God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit.  God is perfect in all His divine attributes.
  4. Jesus Christ is Prophet, Priest and King.  He is also a mighty Warrior.  He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, and reigns right now over all the nations.  He is fully God and fully Man.  He always does the will of His Father and He has sent His Holy Spirit to be our Comforter and our Helper.

This is a start on what I have learned.  This church proved to be a safe place.

Messiah the Prince, William Symington, The Christian Statesman Press, 1999.

Glory in the Cross

The Apostle Paul, wrote in the sixth chapter of Galatians, “But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.”  In 1 Corinthians 1, Paul said, “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.”

There is great benefit in focusing on the cross where Jesus died for us.  Jesus told Nicodemus in John chapter 3, “And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.”  Just as the children of Israel who looked to the bronze serpent on a pole were saved from the poisonous snakes, we are saved as we look upon the cross where Jesus died to deliver us from our sins.

I highly recommend reading the four gospel accounts, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  Pay particularly close attention to the end of those books, reading the four different eyewitness accounts of Jesus’ suffering under Pontius Pilate, His agonizing time on the cross between two thieves, and His resurrection from the dead.  It is the power of the cross and the power of Jesus’ resurrection that will deliver you from the enslavement of transgenderism and all your other sins.  Paul said in Galatians chapter two, “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

In Romans 6, Paul said, “For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.  For he who has died has been freed from sin.  Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him.”

Two books that I highly recommend in the study of the cross of Christ are:

  • The Seven Sayings of the Savior on the Cross, Arthur W. Pink, Baker Books, 2005.
  • The Resurrection of the Shroud, Mark Antonacci, M. Evans and Company, 2000. The Shroud of Turin, understood properly, is not an artifact to be worshipped, but rather a tool to comprehend the horrors that our Lord and Savior suffered for us.

Letting Others In

Yesterday, I had lunch with a man who attends the same church that I do.  We have been friends for a long time.  But, ahead of our meeting, I thought about letting him understand me in a deeper way.  When we met for lunch, I unfolded my life story to him, telling him about my struggle with transgenderism, and the reasons that Jesus had given me that explained my struggle.  I trusted him … that was the only reason that I could “open up” to him and let him know the real me.  I was not disappointed.  He believed me and understood what I was telling him.  We had a good time together.  He encouraged me with thoughts from Psalm 23.

It doesn’t always work that way.  Sometimes the person that you’re confiding in will not be sympathetic or empathetic … they will not understand you and maybe even say hurtful things.  That happens even inside the church.  It shouldn’t, but it does.  But you can’t walk alone, like I did … you need friends you can trust.

The psalmist David, in Psalm 16, said, “As for the saints who are on the earth, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.”  Ask Jesus to help you judge character, to discern people who have wisdom, who are loving and kind.  He will guide you to the right people.  I have about six/eight people who know my past and understand the challenges that I still face in walking through this “valley of the shadow of death”.  Psalm 23

When you share your story, you don’t need to give details … you don’t need to shame yourself.  Be careful how you describe things.  Also, it is probably best that you make a break with anyone you know who is trapped in the transgender lifestyle.  Unless you are very good at swimming, you can’t help someone else stay afloat, they will only drag you down, tell you things that aren’t helpful.

Am I happy with the close friends that I’ve acquired?  Yes, for the most part.  I still do most of my sharing with just two or three “really close” friends.  But, I enjoy doing things with my friends.  Very few of them really understand what I have been through, the pain that I have suffered, only Jesus can truly understand that and be my closest friend.  Even my wife has her limits, but she understands me better than anyone on this earth and she still loves me and accepts me.  Ecclesiastes says, “For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

Keeping a Journal

Most of us have memories that fade with time.  We don’t have the ability to recall all that God has done in our lives.  I have found it most helpful to keep a journal.  As I said previously, I am now on journal number 16.

In Psalm 78, the psalmist Asaph said, “Give ear, O my people, to my law; incline your ears to the words of my mouth.  I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old, which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us.  We will not hide them from their children, telling to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, and His strength and His wonderful works that He has done.”

Why keep a journal?  What are the benefits of doing so?  Here are some good reasons to write down your thoughts and internal conversations.

  1. A journal is an opportunity to keep track of your conversations with God, with Jesus, with your Heavenly Father.  It is vitally important to pray to Him, converse with Him.  He will speak to you from His Word.  Jesus said, “My sheep hear My voice.”  John 10 Pay attention to what He tells you.  One of the most frequent things He says to me is, “Do not be afraid.”  In keeping with Psalm 78 above, we should keep track of God’s wonderful works.
  2.  A journal can also record your conversations with yourself.  It is an opportunity to listen to what you are feeling, your emotions, and what you are thinking, what’s bothering you.  I’m right-handed, but I got the idea of journaling with my left hand, which took more time, but I was able to access my right brain and memories.  My wife, who read it, said that it was a totally new side of me.  Just a side note: I keep my journals in a lock box.
  3. As you journal, you will see patterns of thinking.  You will see things you’ve never seen before.  It is an opportunity to connect the dots, to build a comprehensive story of your life, one that makes sense, as the Lord leads you to new discoveries about yourself, others and Him.
  4. A journal is also an opportunity to keep someone you trust in sync with you.  I let my wife read my journal.  She understands me better than anyone, besides Jesus.  I also read portions of my journal to my counselor.  It facilitates our conversation during the hour that we have together.

The Seventh Commandment?

There may be some in the Church, in the Christian community, who connect transsexualism or transgenderism with the seventh commandment, “You shall not commit adultery.”  (See Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5.)  They may see it as a form of sexual immorality.  That could be the case, but, then again, it might not be.

Holding to the transgender lifestyle might rather be a case of breaking the first commandment, “You shall have no other gods before Me.”  Or it might be an instance of breaking the second commandment, “You shall not make for yourself a carved image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath (for me, women), or that is in the water under the earth …”  (I also had a thing for idolizing mermaids … fantasizing about being one.)  Or it could be a matter of coveting, covered by the tenth commandment … coveting the body of a woman that you have seen … envy (Yep).  Or it may be a matter of breaking a combination of the commandments.  James chapter 2, says, that if we have failed in keeping one commandment, we have actually broken all of them, “For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all.”

Keeping the Law of God is not the means of our salvation.  Christ has kept it for us.  We are saved by grace alone, faith alone, Christ alone (see The Five Solas). The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 2, expresses this well: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”  We are not under a “covenant of works”, but the Law is a “rule of life” for us.

Paul the Apostle, in 2 Corinthians 6, says: “And what agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For you are the temple of the living God.  As God has said: “I will dwell in them and walk among them.  I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”  Therefore, “Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord.  Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.  I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty.”

Yes, “Come out from among them and be separate …”  In the first chapter of 1 Peter, we read, “But as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” “  Holy means “separate” or “set apart”.  Set yourself apart from the world for Jesus.

Nor Effeminate

In the sixth chapter of First Corinthians, the Apostle Paul says the following:  “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.” (NASB)

Notice several things:

  1. Paul says that “the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God.”  If you have put your trust in Jesus and He lives in your heart, then you are righteous in God’s sight.
  2. When Paul says, “… nor effeminate …”, he is talking about those who have completely given themselves over to the transgender lifestyle.  If you belong to Jesus Christ, you cannot remain in sin.  You will be trying, by God’s grace, to mortify the flesh, take up your cross, and leave the transsexual world.
  3. This passage of Scripture has great hope in it for you … because Paul said, “Such were some of you …”  So, it is evident from this verse that he knew people who had overcome their “effeminate” lifestyle (While we’re on the subject, he knew those who had overcome their “homosexual” lifestyle). I know, without a doubt, that there will be many overcomers in heaven.

Jesus promises in the book of Revelation that to him who overcomes:

  1. “…I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.”
  2. “He who overcomes shall not be hurt by the second death.”
  3. “…I will give some of the hidden manna to eat.  And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it.”
  4. “…I will give power over the nations.”
  5. “…shall be clothed in white garments…”

(There’s more beyond these.)

By Grace Alone

Overcoming the transgender lifestyle cannot be done by self-effort … by white-knuckling it … by straining yourself.  It can only be overcome by the grace of God.

In Ephesians two, Paul the Apostle says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

Grace is God’s strength in Christ.  The Apostle Paul asked God to remove a thorn in his flesh.  In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul gives an account of his ordeal: “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.  Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.  And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” “

Now we, who struggle with transgenderism, should not stop at asking the Lord three times to be free of our affliction.  It is clear from Scripture that God does not want us to remain in this sinful lifestyle.  In the book of James, it is said, “God gives greater grace.”  If transgenderism is “the sin which so easily ensnares us”, God’s grace is greater.

In Hebrews 12 we are given the injunction to keep our eyes on Jesus: “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Keeping our eyes on Jesus is so important, it cannot be over-emphasized.  The story is told in Matthew 14, how Peter saw Jesus walking on the sea.  “And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”  So, He said, “Come.”  And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out …”  Watch Jesus.


“I will never be a man!  I’d rather die!”  This was a significant lie and a stronghold that the enemy helped me build … very strong.  It worked in tandem with the female idol.  There was deep woundedness, bitter anger, even overwhelming rage that was at the root, beneath the foundations of this mighty stronghold raised up against the knowledge of Christ.

To feel this way is not normal.  There is a reason for such deep-seated hatred of the male gender.  I remember when I went through puberty, that I loathed the changes that my body was going through.  That was not normal, but I did not know it.  Because of hidden reasons, I had a hatred of men and men’s bodies.  I needed to ask Jesus to help me understand my skewed thinking and feelings.

When God creates males and females, He creates something beautiful.  But at a point of woundedness, those of us who have skewed thinking, can’t seem to accept God’s good plan for marriage and procreation.  This includes homosexuals, bisexuals, transgenders, she-males, transvestites, queers, etc.  We all have bought into twisted thinking about our gender that is contrary to God’s perfect way.

True freedom only came when I could say, “Thank you, God, for Your decision to make me a man.  Thank You for my male genitalia.  Thank You for the beard on my face and the hair on my body.”  Until Jesus took the female idol down and the “I-will-never-be-a-man” stronghold, those were very difficult words to say, but then, with practice, they came with great ease.

Once God gave me freedom, I could truly love my wife and my children, other people, fellow Christians.  Until that point, I was living a very self-centered life.  Now my life is Christ-centered and I can choose to not be selfish, but rather self-less, taking up my cross daily and following Him.

Jesus said, in Matthew ten, “And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.  He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.”  In Matthew 16, Jesus said, “For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?  Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?”  Keep giving up the transgender lifestyle to gain Jesus… small sacrifice.  Read Psalm 16:11, “… In Your Presence is fulness of joy …”

Car Wreck

On a business trip, I saw the perfect opportunity to go all out in having a dressing binge.  It did not enter my mind that God would have something to say to me about this abandonment to the desires of my flesh.

It was four days after I got back from my cross-dressing spree.  I was on the freeway, stopped in traffic, and a car going over 70 miles an hour hit me in the rear.  I almost died, but I survived without a scratch, even though my car was burned to a crisp.

God was trying to get my attention.  He did a pretty good job.  But even though I was really quite shaken by the episode, I hung onto my paraphernalia for at least four months.  What was I thinking?  It would still be three years until I acknowledged the reasons for my obsession with being a woman, but I have no doubt that the undercurrents in my subconscious were hindering my complete surrender to the LORD God.

After the four months had passed, I gathered up all the paraphernalia and cut up all the photos.  I took the bags to a dumpster and trashed them.  It felt good to be free of the things that weighed me down.

It took me a year to acknowledge my sin to my wife, and that led to my seeing a counselor.  He was not just any counselor, but a pastoral counselor.  He used Scriptural truths in my life.  He had experience in counseling people with addictions, including transsexualism.  He had a pretty good guess as to the reasons for my acting out this obsession, but he wisely waited for the Lord Jesus Christ to bring them to my attention.

I have no memory of the question that my counselor asked me … I wish I could remember … but it suddenly unlocked my mind and heart.  I instantly blurted out what had happened in the past.  It shocked me, but, as I thought about it, it fully explained my obsession with being changed into a woman.  The counseling sessions are a blur, but some four years later I started seeing another pastoral counselor, and then, after two more years, I started keeping journals.  I just started my 16th journal.  I have found them key to unlocking mysteries.  I will tell you more about journaling.

Never Too Far

Once some years ago, I read a book by a former transsexual. He had gone through the hormonal treatment and the SRS and was miserable. As I recall, the man came to know Jesus. He came to the conviction that he needed to reverse the procedure and become as much like a man again as possible.

If you are in the position of having changed your apparent gender, then there is still hope for you. Seek the Lord Jesus Christ and ask Him what you should do. I am not in your shoes and would not pretend to know what the answer is in this given circumstance.

In John chapter six, Jesus says: “All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out.” Jesus does not throw His children away, like some do in this world. When I was in my teens, I read from Deuteronomy chapter 22: “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the LORD your God.”

For a time, I thought that I was an abomination. I did not know what to do.  But then God showed me that I was a believer in Christ, that He had changed my heart, and that I could not go on practicing sin as the unbelievers do.  Yes, I bought clothes, wigs, makeup, jewelry and more … yes, I cross-dressed and pretended that I was a woman … but God always brought conviction of sin and brought me to the point of throwing everything away … even the photos. How many times did I go through the cycle of buying and throwing away? It is beyond count. But, as I’ve said, Jesus took down the feminine idol in answer to my prayer. God did not abandon me to my sin.

There was another verse that spoke to my need. God told me in no uncertain terms that it was wrong for me to seek SRS. Deuteronomy 23:1 says: “He who is emasculated by crushing or mutilation shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.” Again, for those who have had SRS, there is still hope. Jesus said that He will not cast out a person who comes to Him for salvation.

No matter where you are at in the transgender world, Jesus still says, “Come unto Me.” Matthew 11 There is still opportunity to turn to Him before He judges the world with fire. He will bring an end to all things and will set all things right.

Lonely People

The Beatles wrote a song entitled “Eleanor Rigby” or “All the Lonely People”.  “Ah, look at all the lonely people … where do they all come from?”  They didn’t have the answer.  The Bible does.  We are all descendants of Adam and Eve, who disobeyed God’s command.  We are members of a fallen race, a race trapped in sin and rebellion against the awesome God who created us.

I remember being a young boy, being afraid and backing up into a young girl, who I thought would protect me.  But she couldn’t … she did not have the power.  I was terribly lonely and afraid.  I remember being a thirteen-year-old, dressed in girl’s attire, feeling the temporary comfort of the clothes.  But, I was still very much alone and afraid.

In the ninth chapter of Mark, we read of Jesus: “But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd.”  From His throne at the right hand of the Father, Jesus can see each and everyone of us.  He knows our loneliness and fear.  He knows that we can’t find comfort apart from accepting His design.

Jesus is called Emmanuel, “God with us.”  In Matthew chapter 28, He promised His disciples, “Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”  In Hebrews 13 it is said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  With Jesus in my heart through the work of the Holy Spirit, I am never alone.  God is always with me.  He tells me in Isaiah chapter 43: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.  For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior …”

Changing your clothes, changing your apparent gender through SRS, modifying your voice, using hormones, changing your eye color with contact lenses, changing your name … all of these things and more will not change who you really are inside.  You will still have the loneliness, fear and pain that you are trying to run away from.  Let Jesus Christ be your Good Shepherd.  Read Psalm 23 and John 10 … these two chapters will tell you about the good heart of the Chief Shepherd.


There was another lie inside.  “Your inside and your outside can never agree.”  I felt fake and hypocritical.  No one could see the real me.  I wasn’t sure that I knew who the real me was either.  I just knew that I wasn’t being honest with myself or the people around me.  I was afraid of the person that I saw inside.  He was full of fears and contradictions.  I didn’t know how to be honest with myself or with anyone else.

The psalmist David writes in Psalm 15: “LORD, who may abide in Your tabernacle?  Who may dwell in Your holy hill?  He who walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart …”  I wanted desperately to speak the truth in my heart.  Only Jesus could help me do that.  Only Jesus could get my inside and my outside to agree.  My dear wife also helped me to speak the truth to myself.  She would speak the truth to me about who I really was, andwould have me repeat it to her.  Eventually, I came to the place where I could tell myself the truth about myself and the truth about my God.  Find someone you can trust who will help you speak the truth.  You also need to hear yourself speak the truth.

Today, my inside and my outside match.  I know who I am.  I don’t have to pretend that I am someone else. I am comfortable with who I am. Jesus has shown me my life history and I can own it, accept it, even if it is painful.  Jesus can help you to get your inside and outside to agree.  He can help you find your life story.  It may be painful, but it is better to know the truth than to live in the dark.

It was not helpful, telling myself that I was someone else rather than who I really was.  It brought all kinds of stress and discomfort I didn’t need.  I thought that I had comfort and peace in pretending to be someone else, but deep down I knew it was a lie.  It was only momentary relief.  Accepting myself as the person that God made me brought lasting relief, comfort and peace.

Find that “hidden person of the heart”, who you really are.  It will take hard work.  There may be pain involved, but it is worth it.  Ask your Heavenly Father, your Abba Father, who stands with open arms to welcome you, to help you.  Ask Jesus Christ your Lord to enable you to be the beautiful person that He made you to be.  God does not design ugly.  God does not make mistakes.  He made a special and unique person when He fashioned you.  Start agreeing with Him and truly live life.

Wounded Spirit

Why was I struggling with transgenderism?  I was in shock … a wounded part of me was speaking … I heard the lie being repeated over and over again … constantly playing inside … “You are cheap, dirty and unacceptable.”  There had to be a reason why I would speak that lie to myself.

Why would I feel “cheap, dirty and unacceptable”?  Suddenly, I had a very good reason from Jesus.  He brought me to the point where I could verbalize it to my counselor.  One day, I just blurted it out … it shocked me, stunned me … but I knew it was the truth.  It hadn’t even been in my conscious mind … suddenly it was on the tip of my tongue.  I had repressed the truth about it for many years.

Now I knew why I clung to transgenderism, and why I accepted this lie.  Jesus told His disciples, “You are already clean because of the word that I have spoken to you.” John 15:3  Jesus died on the cross to wash me clean from my sins.  Through the prophet Isaiah, God the Lord spoke and said, “Come now, and let us reason together … though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”  Isaiah 1:18

So, the truth is that in Jesus I am costly, clean and acceptable.  That is a truth that I need to be telling myself.  That is what you need … the truth … Jesus’ truth for you … you need to start speaking it in your heart and in your mind.  There are three possible sources of thoughts inside you.  You can have your own thoughts.  But you probably think that is all you have … your own thoughts.  But that is not the whole truth … you also have the enemy, Satan, speaking lies to you … but, thankfully, you also have God’s Holy Spirit speaking truth to you.

Jesus said to His disciples that when He returned to heaven, He would send His Holy Spirit to be our Helper, our Comforter.  What could be more helpful and comforting than the truth that God speaks to our hearts?  Where does this truth come from?  It comes from God’s Word, the Bible, the Holy Scriptures.  That is why we should do everything we can to hear His Word, read His Word and even internalize His Word through meditation.  The Psalms are a good place to start.  

The Psalmist, King David, speaks the truth about God, regardless of his feelings and emotions.  No matter what his life circumstances, David chooses to speak the truth about himself and about God.  We would do well to emulate him.

God’s Delight

It was soon after I had gone to the psychiatric hospital, after I had tried taking my life, that God told me something wondrous and totally beyond belief. My wife took me to see a Christian man who had spoken to me the day of my suicide attempt. I had taken the phone from my wife and had heard him say amazingly comforting words … soothing words … I can’t remember what they were, but they brought such peace and hope to my heart. I wanted to talk to him again. So, here was my opportunity … I had a full work week with this dynamic and loving man.

When I met with this godly man, it was not the darkness that I was under in the psychiatric hospital. Light was in this man’s eyes, when I could get myself past the shame and look into his face. The first place that he took me in the Holy Scriptures was Psalm 18. I wasn’t prepared for the strength of the verses he read to me … it almost knocked me over.

Verse 16-19 … “He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.”

How could God possibly delight in me? I felt so dirty and ashamed … so unworthy. But yet, God said, “He delivered me because He delighted in me.” This was because when God looked at me, He saw Jesus, the precious Lamb of God, without stain of sin or blemish of rebellion. God Himself had taken the hyssop and dipped it in the blood of Christ, then painted the door posts and the lintel of my heart, so that the angel of death would pass over me. I was floored by the mercy of my Almighty God. I stood in awe of His splendor. I worshipped my King and my Lord, “King of Kings and Lord of Lords”. Revelation 19:16

Again, in the Psalms, Psalm 149, God says: “Let Israel rejoice in their Maker; let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise His name with the dance; let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp. For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation.”

God delights in His children who have put their faith and trust in Jesus alone.

The Female Idol

It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I first saw the female idol in my heart.  With the help of the enemy, I created it early in the first decade of my life.   I was five years old … pretty young.  It was fashioned as a composite of all the beautiful and safe women that I knew as a small child.  The female image was tall and stood on the plain of my heart.  It was hollow and contained thousands of niches that housed all the feminine personalities that I had met or seen in my lifetime.

Often when I tried to get close to God … I was distracted by the female idol.  I turned aside and gave worship to a false image, rather than worshipping the true and living God.  This was very grievous to me, but I could not seem to help it.  I was entrapped by the feminine idol … engaging in cross dressing whenever I could … viewing internet pornography to strengthen the female image … fantasizing about being a girl or a woman as I went to sleep … dreaming of having Sex Reassignment Surgery and voice and deportment training … always trying to comfort and console myself with what seemed safe.

But Jesus wanted me to come to Him for safety and security … He knew that the female idol was hurting me … keeping me from a beautiful and glorious close relationship with the true and living God … my awesome and holy Creator.

Once I realized that the female idol was there, I was greatly concerned.  It took me a while before I started doing the right thing.  I started praying that Jesus would help me to tear down the female idol.  I knew that I could not do it myself.  I needed His divine help.  He was my faithful High Priest and fully understood why I had created that false and idolatrous image in my youth.  There were reasons why I had made that idol to protect me.  After several years, Jesus broke down the idol and planted a garden of remembrance there.  Suddenly, I was free of my enslavement to the transsexual/transgender lifestyle … I stopped fantasizing … I stopped visiting the websites … I stopped cross-dressing … I stopped abusing myself with masturbation … I stopped wishing for Sex Reassignment Surgery and hormonal treatment … I finally could thank God for the way He had made me.  I could look in the mirror and smile at the person I saw.  It was wonderful to be free of the idolatrous image that shackled me to a future that scared me to death.

Connecting Dots

When I was a child there were books that had games and puzzles in them.  One of my favorite puzzles was making pictures from a series of numbered dots.  If one took a pencil and drew lines from one, then two, then three, and so on, the series of lines formed a picture that one could recognize.

There is a reason, or reasons, that you are struggling with the issue of transgenderism.  I could tell you the reasons for which I groped for so long, the answers for which I searched.  However, it is not my place to tell you.  It could prove harmful to give you those reasons if God does not yet have all the truth and helpful people in place around you. And my reasons may not be your reasons.

I encourage you to ask your Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to show you what are your reasons for pursuing the transgender lifestyle so intently.  Why do you want to be a woman, when God created you to be a man?  Why do you want to be a man when God created you to be a woman?  The true cause(s) will surprise you when God reveals the dots and you connect them.  Your reason for wanting to be a woman may have come “in utero” or after birth.  For many years I believed that I was a woman trapped inside a man’s body.  I was totally relying on my feelings and emotions … but I wasn’t in possession of all the facts.  It proved to be a lie foisted upon me by the enemy and the world (see “The Big Lie”).

The truth is that God made a good and right decision when He determined the gender that you should be.  The first chapter of Genesis records God’s creative work: “So God created man in His own image: in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”  God’s wise and creative work was not finished with Adam and Eve … He went on to specially create each and everymember of the human race. The psalmist David said of his Creator, “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.  I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.  My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.  Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.  And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.”  Psalm 139:13-16

Try to get God’s way of thinking into your mind and heart … you are who you are.

Be Safe

The following quote is from the executive summary of a paper by Ann P. Haas, Ph.D. and Philip L. Rodgers, Ph.D., American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and Jody L. Herman, Ph.D. Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law January 2014:

“The prevalence of suicide attempts among respondents to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS), conducted by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and National Center for Transgender Equality, is 41 percent, which vastly exceeds the 4.6 percent of the overall U.S. population who report a lifetime suicide attempt, and is also higher than the 10-20 percent of lesbian, gay and bisexual adults who report ever attempting suicide. Much remains to be learned about underlying factors and which groups within the diverse population of transgender and gender non-conforming people are most at risk.”

Because the rate of suicide attempts is so high among the transsexual/ transgender population, I want to start off with an admonition to not try and harm yourself.  You may be in despair and hurting greatly, but I am here to tell you that there is great hope.  As Jeremiah the prophet said, “Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You.”  Jeremiah 32:17

I understand how dark it can get.  I tried taking my life.  When I was so intent on killing myself, God whispered in my mind, “You are playing into the enemy’s hands.”  But I said, “I don’t care!” and proceeded to carry out my plan.  My Heavenly Father graciously intervened, and my plan failed.  It is good, because I really did care, but I was in so much emotional pain and had listened to so many lies that I despaired of life.  I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital until God could speak further truth to me when I was ready to listen.

Jesus said, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”  This “thief” that Jesus spoke of is also called “the father of lies” or Satan.  He was in the garden of Eden and spoke lies to Eve, tempting her to think wrongly of God, to think wrongly of herself.  Satan and his minions came to me as a child when I was hurting greatly … they spoke their hateful lies to me, intent on destroying me.